I’m glad I’m seeing the back of him, and I don’t think I am the only one to be pleased with the end of Christopher Antony Chibnall’s run with Doctor Who. It was exposition heavy, so “woke” that nearly every gay character is dead by the end of each episode, and the less said about the absolute tripe that is “The Timeless Children” or Twitter calling two women in the same scene together lesbians the better. Pushing our way through all of that, pushing past three series and umpteen specials, what was the final point of Chris Chibnall’s run? I’ve no idea, I’ve sat through the entirety of “The Power Of The Doctor” three times and still don’t exactly know what the Doctor’s power was.

It was a mismatch of poorly written “and then” best bits of media from the last 20-30 years in an episode that is best described as fan fiction. I’m going to be glad I don’t have to talk about him ever again (ok, once more). The saddest part of all of this is just how much Jodie is missing out on those brilliant moments to make her a Doctor that is adored not just for special appearances, but as the Doctor of a generation of young people. Her final appearance in her own run is nothing more than poorly written recreations of everything the writer had seen during Lockdown.

So what was the plot? A train heist is being carried out by the Cyber-Lords to get a child that was signposted as the Timeless Child but never came to fruition. Then some paintings and seismologists are disappearing so Ace and the gobby Australian are looking into that. The Master is Boney M’s greatest hit and there is a Cyber-planet hanging over Russia (great timing!), and then The Master, the Daleks, and the Cyber-Lords that makes no sense once you pay attention to the techno-babble. Erupting all the small volcanos across the planet won’t destroy it. Then for 20 minutes of Jodie’s final episode, brown Lindsey Lohan here tries to be Jamie Lee Curtis. After that I have no clue.

It has bits of The Matrix, “Mummy On The Orient Express,” “The Sound of Drums,” “Journey’s End,” “The Parting of the Ways,” “The End of Time” at multiple points, Star Wars, Freaky Friday, and probably several other things which Chibnall stole his ideas from. Between that and the blinding exposition, it is surprising to know anyone stuck around until David was quite literally burning away all that was Jodie’s Doctor. Then again, when there are only 3.7 million viewers, it is difficult to drop that many without committing some kind of seppuku. For reference, the 10 o’clock news got 3.9 million, and the Antiques Roadshow (your granny’s favorite program) got 5.4. Peter’s regeneration got 7.9, Matt’s got 11.1, David’s second regeneration got 12.2, and Eccleston got 6.9.

Going from the most viewed first in-series episode to this is not only defecating the bed, but it is also scooping it up and eating it for breakfast. How you are supposed to talk about “The Power Of The Doctor” without sounding like a complete lunatic? I’ve skimmed one of the more positive views for it and it is beyond me. Someone out there who’s a paid critic thought “pinky promisey” was a perfectly fine line to say for a grown man that is supposed to be threatening. Are we mass-lobotomizing people again? Because I am genuinely not sure where beyond the fan service and tired first-draft writing if there is anything worth watching here from Chibnall’s portion.

Once again, the Doctor’s morality is something to question as she tells Yaz to take a gun, not a space gun or anything, just a UNIT standard-issue Glock (all handguns are Glocks). The line after Rose notes about the guns in “Army of Ghosts” is: “And I don’t. And that makes me a better person don’t you think?” While in “The Gunfighters” it was, “All these people are giving me guns, I do wish they wouldn’t.” The Doctor is a character that is known far and wide for their compassion, their cowardice, and their nature to be unarmed yet the most dangerous person in the room.

The scene is only made worse by the fact that Yaz pipes up that she’s supposed to be a cop, but I’m not sure anymore. She notes that she’s had weapons training but a quick bit of research and basic knowledge of the character would suggest otherwise. I’m now on another watch list (beyond being a long-haired bearded man) because I went on the Ministry of Defense site to find that a probation officer is required to complete their two-year training period before being allowed to apply for such a force. How long did it take to find this out? 5 minutes, a whole 5 minutes that a professional writer didn’t take while writing his last episode.

Shall we talk about the Photoshop work that was done by a foreign exchange student interning at the BBC for a week and their only job was to edit famous paintings with grainy CCTV footage in a whole 20 minutes? I could have done a better job finger painting that in my own turds, for the love of all that is holy. More work is put into those spammy click-bait thumbnails that plague YouTube’s front page. Hell, there is more work put into Jimmy Kimmel/Fallon thumbnails for interviews and they are just a template.

Though that’s got nothing on the parachute scene later on. Between VFX and direction, someone doesn’t understand how gravity works. As soon as Ace crossed the line of the door of the TARDIS, she should have been rolling end over end, not floating there for a second before landing on her feet. Speaking about the TARDIS, how about the number of times we got lines like “I’ve got a date to get to” or “we’re running out of time” while in a time and space machine? I don’t even care about Yaz flying the TARDIS on her own, I’m beyond that at this point. It is probably the most sensible thing throughout the episode.

We got a full minute of The Master dancing about a Russian Palace to Bonny M’s “Rasputin” while disco lighting made the entire scene washed in purples, blues, green, and ultimately I don’t care. The Master pushing around Grandad/Dobby Tennant to the chorus of Scissor Sisters’ “I Can’t Decide,” that is brilliant! This pale (not in that way) imitation slightly moving about while Jodie is in a Dalek casing doing nothing, what in the holy Grigori is that supposed to be? When Missy sings Toni Basil tunes or jumps about before showing she can’t be contained, that is imposing but this was a waste of a minute to fill a script out.

With that, I guess we should talk about what Chris thinks is a joke. I’m not going to even say the over-explained “The Master’s Dalek plan” is a joke but I honestly believe what he believes is the funniest part of a joke is when it is explained in-detail and ruined. The only thing that landed was the Dalek and Cyber-Lord looking at each other during Boney M’s biggest payout in years (I hope so anyway) because I knew exactly what they were thinking. Everything else, all the nonsense where Graham and Dan muck about with a map, that landed about as well as Jodie’s nonsense about blossoms.

“Oh, the blossomiest blossom. That’s the only sad thing,” Thus far that doesn’t sound like a regeneration speech, it sounds more like someone was allowed off the psychiatric ward but forgot to take their medicine. It goes on to conclude, “I want to know what happens next. Right, then. Doctor whoever-I’m-about-to-be. Tag, you’re it.” What I’m about to say encapsulates the whole episode, but mostly this speech: I’ve seen more articulate scrawlings on nightclub walls, including phallic pictures and 867-5309.

What happened to: “you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And do you know what? So was I.” Or the simple “I don’t want to go” before absolutely going and with a bang. Then seeing the little Amelia Pond all-grown up, “The first face this face saw. We all change when you think about it…” Then Peter’s parting words for this Doctor we’re seeing go, “I’ve got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.” Instead, we got some waffled-on nonsense about blossoms.

Speaking of past Doctors, shall we talk about that really sad bit where 1 (David Bradley again!), 5, 6, 7, and 8 (8 on TV!) didn’t die? Hanging about by Courage the Cowardly Dog‘s house, those five Doctors refused to actually die so instead they guide their later selves to death. It was only 31 episodes ago that we saw the regeneration of one of these Doctors who was accepting death while watching the Christmas day Armistice. Strip away the fanfare and you’ve got a really horrible scene that is plainly stated as really depressing and makes the only appearance of Paul McGann’s Doctor a sour note.

The Yoda “I am your Doctor” bit (I don’t like Star Wars) really doesn’t work twice, especially when you have Sylvester there telling Ace to blow stuff up. Sure, it is Daleks but that isn’t the point of the Doctor. Having Tegan finally get her moment with her Doctor was nice-ish, and it was a bit of character being worked on. Everything else there was tripe. We establish Jodie’s Doctor planted little chips in the companions, so how do The Master and the Cybermen see Jo Martin in that holographic form to shoot at her? 

So much of this entire episode (and run) has been off-screen logic, either cut for time or cut because it was awful and never rewritten to make sense once cut. Was the direction good? I don’t entirely know, I was blinded by the exposition that tried to techno-babble its way out of problems without any character. All I can say is that the camera was certainly pointing in a direction. What about everything else? Well, a good portion of the acting was the pantomime a young Chibnall would complain about when he was a teenager. Was there anything good?

“I know these teeth.” The first words that Russell wrote in years for Doctor Who and it’s a character line, praise be, Gay Welsh Jesus is back! He probably hates being called Jesus given he wrote The Second Coming, but finally, a character moment. We’ve been starved of those for 31 episodes! Though I did find it weird initially that with the regeneration the clothes were being burned away, then I realized, this is the Doctor that didn’t want to go pushing his way back through, haunting his future self. That thought alone is making me happy to know Russell will fix it, probably with a big red button, but he’ll do it.

That’s what I think is brilliant, fantastic, and all the other catchphrases throughout the years that are used to describe Doctor Who, I’m excited again. I have to wait until next(!) November to see Rachel Talalay’s first special, and I am sitting here saying to myself, “it’s all gonna be safe and we’re all gonna have a great time.” Even the sneak peek of what’s already filmed makes me so happy. Happy to see Ncuti (our 15th Doctor) and to see his little Q&A video where he’s excited to talk about all of this. This is what I wanted, this is what I’ve been missing about Doctor Who since late 2018 after Jodie’s first series.

Though I think I should address the elephant in the room, and no I’m not talking about Companions Anonymous. The ice cream bit just didn’t work at all. I don’t care that Yaz and the Doctor are sleeping together or whatever. I think it is a waste of time and we’ve seen that with the straight conforming relationships, I’d be more invested in anything else. Though if you’re going to go in on it actually being a relationship, at least go the distance instead of this lack of a line about Yaz’s suicide storyline or everything else that was walking towards the finish line and then stopped.

Ultimately, “The Power Of The Doctor” was poorly written, mostly poorly acted, and directed by someone that was at least not high on meth, but I’ll give every reviewer their due, it was explosive. Explosive in the sense that people who were blinded by exposition and their own liquids due to the fan service exploded their underwear when McGann showed up. There is no nicer way to put this: I hope Jodie comes back but if Chibnall ever picks up a pen or touches a keyboard again for Doctor Who, I’ll be incredibly displeased.

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Doctor Who "The Power Of The Doctor"

0.1

Score

0.1/10

Pros

• I know those teeth too!
• That sitting on the TARDIS scene looks nice at least.

Cons

• You call that writing? I've seen better bathroom walls.
• Some ropey acting throughout.
• And then, and then, and and then.
• Rah, rah, rah... Why did you waste a minute on that?
• I've done better photoshop work at gunpoint in my own turds.