Funny story, well, it’s not really funny, but it is a story and one about Doctor Who. Yesterday when I was writing this week’s review, or rather while writing this review yesterday, a day ahead to keep up. Written tenses are a pain sometimes when talking about something you are doing but in the past. Anyway, about 5 minutes ago yesterday I realized something quite important. I wasn’t writing about the right episode in the proper order to continue this chronological order thing I’ve got going.

“The Return of Doctor Mysterio” is an episode that I remember watching at the time, but I honestly couldn’t tell you a single thing from memory. I know I had seen it as a result of external things to do with the episode, something about what happened that Christmas day. However, the episode itself is so bland following “The Husbands of River Song” that it is gone from memory moments later. It is a nothing episode attempting to pull heart strings because a meager kid becomes a hero. This was not long after Civil War continued to ruin Iron Man 3, so everyone else was caught up in Marvel hype.

About 20 minutes ago I realized I was writing next week’s review, which you’ll have to wait on as I now have to talk about an episode so tasteless, that I can remember what I had for dinner on one day almost six years ago better than I can the episode itself. You know, I’ve been rewatching The Simpsons recently, the early seasons, and you don’t understand the impact it had until you sit down and see that every third episode has something that is (in the ancient Greek sense) memed. I think the same could be said of Doctor Who. The episodes that stick in your head are the ones that you can reference or put in a gif.

The only reason I remember “In the Forest of the Night” beyond Clara being the worst human ever to exist, is the way Peter says, “hh-okay!” We all quote Tennant when we draw out a “Well…” We all push the impulse to touch our nose and say seductively, “spoilers!” or at least I hope we do, otherwise, I’ve just outed myself as a weirdo. There is always something that we call back to. The Ood offers to do something, the entire “don’t blink!” speech, maybe even a look or an action, I often imitate Kenneth Williams when someone says something a bit suggestive. It quite literally could be anything from The Rock raising an eyebrow to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin saying “What?”

What I think “The Return of Doctor Mysterio” lacks in its ridiculously long run time of an hour, is anything beyond tropes to cling on to. We’ve done the kid being scared at Christmas thing, and it was done much better with a Doctor-y twist on the Dickens tale of A Christmas Carol. In fact, the only thing memorable was the god-forsaken accents. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, after the film and Peri, we should have learned the lesson that Americans or faux-Americans don’t work in Doctor Who. It is writing that wobbles like a sine wave, the discrepancy between accents and written voice completely messes it all up.

As an idea on its own, it works. A kid who reads too many comic books and digests a special gemstone from an alien world is granted his wish to be a superhero. If it wasn’t for the man from La Mancha, I’d be impressed. The truth is, I think of that as a throw-away episode in terms of Doctor Who, something to play with for a while before it is immediately dropped, it isn’t bad. Self-contained stories are great. That’s why we all hate sequels, remakes, and adaptations, but it is a trope-y story done to death and what little is added is yet more tropes without novel ideas to keep it fresh.

It could also be the fact that I am tired of Superman, the hero the young Grant is made to emulate. Superman and a majority of DC’s heroes are from that time when being infallible was ok. Half of them are gods for… well, god’s sake. That archetypal hero is by definition archaic. Meanwhile, the other portions of the episode center around Saturday morning cartoon villainy and corporate deceit. A yin-and-yang of a kid that becomes a superhero and grows up loving a young woman that will become a reporter. He becomes the nanny for her kid though she doesn’t notice him when he saves her. Sound remotely familiar? Didn’t think so.

That’s the trouble with an episode using such a time-worn story that we’ve seen a couple of hundred thousand times either with Tom Welling, Christopher Reeves, Brandon Routh, or even Henry Cavill. The attempts to ground him fall flat because of that archetype he’s based on and the run time. Though long for Doctor Who, the runtime lacks enough space to establish him, ground him, and do all that the story needs with ample room to breathe. It does enough to give a superficial view of Grant and his struggle as a hero, nanny, and wet character, but nothing more. I know he wants to move out of the single bed in Lucy’s apartment but beyond that he is nothing.

For all the attempts to make the story about the companion (what little Grant is) or even the Doctor, it all falls flat because we’re following two unbelievable characters. Unbelievable in the sense that they are extraordinary, not that it is impossible to like them for any reason. What stood out was when we focused on Lucy’s story because she is normal, human, and stupid like the rest of us. She has the most to move metaphorically as a character. She could grow to understand Grant and how he deals with being a hero, but Grant can only move into Lucy’s bed.

As much as Nardolle is background furniture and I’ve given my conceit of why I do have issues with seeing Matt Lucus, he’s exactly what the Doctor needs from time to time. He’s Frobisher. Not exactly, but he’s a background character putting things into place so we can focus on the one-off companion’s story instead of Grant. What makes me stop and say, “Oh, he’s good for this.” is when he serves as the Doctor’s conscience talking and expositing his loneliness. The Christmas audience is always those who stand on the fringe, those who don’t know the backstory and details but enjoy Doctor Who‘s fun bits. That’s what he’s good for, telling those details to those people.

Ultimately, I don’t like the story in “The Return of Doctor Mysterio” for several reasons such as bland villains, trite characters to follow, and a lacking story. As its own thing, it is fine, though nothing memorable. What I think takes it from inoffensive to downright forgettable is the fact we just said goodbye to someone lovely, like River Song, and we’re about to spend a few weeks with some of the Doctor’s mates. “The Pilot” is a solid episode with something at least memorable about it. Being sandwiched between a fantastic episode and a solid companion introduction is never a great place to be.

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Doctor Who "The Return of Doctor Mysterio"

6.5

Score

6.5/10

Pros

• Lucy is at least someone to get invested in.
• Nardolle fits his role wonderfully.
• Justin & Charity's performances are fun.

Cons

• Another Superman archetype.
• Not the most interesting story.