It is common to hear (especially in the UK) the chant of “here we go” to John Philip Sousa’s “The Stars and Stripes Forever.” I’ve even heard it laced with profanity if you can believe that. So, here we go with Frank Cottrell-Boyce’s “In the Forest of the Night.” This is an episode I have railed against with such vindictive abhorrence, I am sure I don’t have to say at this point why I am about to write one of the most negative reviews I’ve ever written. I am including “Fear her,” “Kill the Moon,” and the majority of Chibnall’s nonsense from last year in that statement.

This is the episode where London has been turned into a forest filled with wildlife and Clara, in the face of her orphan boyfriend and similarly orphaned space-dad, says kids should be murdered so they don’t have to grieve for their parents. Oh, that’s a joyous line to write as war breaks out in Ukraine and hundreds to thousands of orphans are once more displaced. I think this paragraph alone shows just how I am not the most optimistic of people with this episode. It doesn’t get any better from here on out so strap in, this is going to be a ride of hatred.

This is an exhausting and unengaging story of an invasion by a mysterious entity that only a child with a mental illness can communicate with. It is so hamfistedly written that I’m surprised an online parody of Hollyoaks didn’t use it, as the teachers tragically in love land like a gymnast that had a stroke mid-landing. Harley Bird’s Ruby is a particular thorn in my side, but then again, she did voice a Prime Minister’s favorite children’s character for long enough, which may also contribute to it. Ashley Foster’s Bradley and Jaydon Harris-Wallace’s Samson also get on my nerves, for a standard “boys will be boys” conflict and attitude.

Sheree Folkson’s direction had its moments, though it hardly was supporting an otherwise barren script of loosely tied together folktales. The moment with the firefly-like things around Maebh, the pull-focus shots of the wolves, and the tight angles on actors are interesting shots, sometimes filled with color too. However, nothing can support a script that in itself was little more than folksy tales, clumsy metaphors, and light connections of far more popular pieces. The connections are to things such as William Blake’s Tyger Tyger, Maebh’s red jacket to Perrault’s Little Red Riding Hood, and her last name, Arden, to As you Like It by ol’ Shakey.

Beyond a barely coherent eco-justice message, the episode is left with Danny and Clara’s relationship once again being stretched by her desire to lie. He asks for honesty and simplicity to even have a chance of a stable relationship. She is willing to lie to the same man she tells “I don’t want to be like you” after expressly having an episode where she wanted and was forced into doing what he does. I still cannot for the life of me understand why this relationship is so important other than the same reason the bury your gays trope is such a problem, to kill off Danny in an act of “oh, look, isn’t the villain a villain?”

This is a callous, unrealistically cruel, and unlikeable episode of Doctor Who, dressed up to pretend some thinly-veiled prattle about the environment is going to have an impact. Cottrell-Boyce’s “In the Forest of the Night” is a clumsy, unsophisticated story ambling about between threat and adventure, going nowhere and doing nothing. Yet it is helped by two things: Folkson’s ability to create an interesting shot out of very little, and Capaldi’s “hhhhokay!?” as he leaves the TARDIS with Clara, which I often quote. That is just undercut by Clara’s defining moment to leave kids to die because they would lose their parents, as said to an orphan.

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Doctor Who "In the Forest of the Night"

0.1

Score

0.1/10

Pros

• Folkson's direction makes for interesting shots.
• "Hhhhhokay!?"
• Abigail Eames' Maebh.

Cons

• A clumsy and unsophisticated amble of a story.
• More of the toxic relationships of Clara.
• Kids.
• Clara saying "let's kill kids!" because they'll be orphans to an orphan.