Yippie, garish costume design by drugs fired out of a shotgun. The first episode not to be written by Chabon, “Stardust City Rag” is written by Kirsten Beyer, and she’s only ever written for Star Trek, though sadly that also means she’s a big part of Discovery. Aside from maybe getting a cease and desist letter from WWE for the use of Stardust, she also wrote one of the good episodes of Strange New Worlds, with “Among the Lotus Eaters.” There is only one editor throughout the season, so no change there with Zayas. Also, direction is done in blocks, so we’ve still got Jonathan Frakes on board.

Off the top of my head, I can’t quite remember if every episode starts with a flashback, but it is becoming quite tiresome that a sequel series does it so much for the tragedy flashbacks. Tropey and slow, I’m still counting down the days to talk about “The Next Generation” and beyond. From Holo-Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em adverts, references to Quark, and even gangs offering human trafficking services, we have the holy trinity of a boring standard infiltration of a group episode. The only thing that could top it off is more needless swearing and a revenge killing.

I get that the name Jean-Luc Picard is about as French as beating someone to death with a stale baguette during a strike/protest, but French pirate Patrick Stewart is about as Star Trek as “The Imperial March.” This isn’t even the biggest crime of the episode, that is the brutal and gruesome torture/murder of Icheb. Don’t worry, you haven’t gone mad, he was recast as a younger model of ex-Borg only for these gory few moments. I am so glad the ideals of TNG are so alive: A positive note on space and adventure, and a lack of gore.

I don’t even know if I will go to the thousand-word limit I set myself (and often break) this week, as “Stardust City Rag” can be summed up as standard TV writing not fit for the Star Trek name. Where momentum and good favor earned last week not only hits a brick wall, it turns into an almost budget Terminator knock-off as it disintegrates into red mist. Anyone that looks at that moment where Seven shoots up the bar for revenge and doesn’t see The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I’d love to have your lack of sci-fi knowledge.

Shall we talk about Alison Pill playing the Alison Pill character too? As an actor, she’s good and has everything you need to be decent. However, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen her play naive only to come out as this bitter, angry, treacherous character that I just don’t feel anything for. A turn that was so sign-posted you could see it from space. This doesn’t sound like much given the ship was in space at the time, but there were no windows or view screens in the medical bay all the same.

For a show quite literally named after the man who got many of us excited and optimistic about space, Picard with its fifth episode really wants you to hate adventure. This isn’t a specific criticism of Beyer, but rather the overall direction of the show thus far, pushing into the dystopian hellscape that every other show is already. I’ve already stated it, Star Trek and The Next Generation (the show, not the episode this time) is supposed to be hopeful, exciting, filled with drama, and get you ready to go on an adventure. “Stardust City Rag” feels like the same flat ride found at many other boring theme parks.

Frakes’ direction wasn’t even a delight to pull you through. Much like everything else, it felt like it was going through the motions so we can move on to the next episode. Half the shots are through the augmented reality UI that I complained about two episodes ago in “The End is the Beginning,” continuing that soft-focus thing that makes them seem just as annoying as always. Ah yes, I do love it when actors jab at random spots of air that float and swivel around their head, show me more of that. Sarcasm is heavily implied there.

Ultimately, “Stardust City Rag” is a standard episode of TV that has no right to be called Star Trek or more importantly Picard. The acting, aside from Patrick’s French pirate, is probably the highlight which is difficult to say given the “screens” in front of everyone, but it is more difficult to find a positive in such a dead-end of an episode. I’d rather pull teeth than engage in a “What is Star Trek” debate, but this clichéd serial episode of sci-fi NCIS isn’t it.

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Star Trek: Picard "Stardust City Rag"

4.5

Score

4.5/10

Pros

• Between AR UI, the acting is the shining light.

Cons

• Enough blood to be vampire porn.
• YAY! More AR UI.
• The Sarah Connor Chronicles.