Prime Gaming - February 2023

Usually, I start these Prime Gaming pieces with a thinly-veiled grumble about how Jeffrey makes my life a living hell by not having someone collect games worth talking about each month. The previously hypothetical hammer that I’d use to bash my own brains in is now sitting a little closer with this month’s change to our regularly scheduled moaning. Typically, everything for the month would be available the first work-day in the month, so hypothetically the 1st of February. Well, now every Thursday there will be something else available via Prime Gaming, in what I’m convinced is an attempt to make me hate the last day of my work week.

Let’s get this play about pieces of feces underway with Todd Howard’s 21-year-old gift for my birthday, The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind – GOTY Edition. No, it isn’t Skyrim or the one with Jean-Luc, it is the one where Wonder Woman plays all the Nords. Admittedly, Morrowind is the one that I’ve had the least interest in given it is not that initial view from Oblivion or the depth of Skyrim. At the time of its release, GameSpy called it a “resource pig” for how taxing it was to systems. Now two decades later, it might be lucky if it takes up 1% of my system. Either way, the resource hog that takes up a whopping 64 MB of VRam will be available from the 2nd.

Waking Oni Games’ personal massage parlor management simulator Onsen Master is next on the list, a Diner Dash ’em up with more customer nudity (in swimsuits at least). To really upset those of us old enough to know what I’m on about, Diner Dash turns 20 this year. I hope you know that the grave is calling your name with every passing day.

Onsen Master attempts to emulate that quick management style of gameplay and at times achieves it. However, if you’ve taken a quick look on Steam you’ll notice a few negative reviews due to some notable bugs. This won’t be the highlight of the month, that’s for sure, but it is worth checking out.

Moving on to the second week of the month, the next two become available on the 9th of February. We’ll start with 2021’s Aerial_Knight’s Never Yield. As a short rhythm action title that Mike quite enjoyed upon its release, it is difficult to draw out an entire paragraph about it. It is a story-focused and rhythm-based take on the endless runners such as Canabalt, B.C’s Quest for Tires, Robot Unicorn Attack, and as Mike points out Bit.Trip Runner (though it wasn’t the first success). Never Yield‘s strength is its flashy stylization and “Bangin’ soundtrack.”

Sadly that is followed up by something that we recently saw for free on the Epic Games Store, Divine Knockout. Released last December, the third-person platformer/fighter has all the trappings of being free-to-play as I noted only last month when it was free on Epic. Despite having the look of something purposefully aiming for a specific market and being multiplayer-focused, Divine Knockout (DKO) splits its asking price between three editions and neither seems interesting. As the player base dropped by the thousands in the space of a month, the concurrent player base on Steam over the weekend couldn’t crack 1000.

The third week of the month isn’t inspiring much hope either as it starts off with a 2D platformer with a twist. Though it may be called One Hand Clapping, Bad Dream Games’ platformer asks you to traverse this colorful game by “singing or humming into your microphone.” Yeah, try playing this on your laptop on the tube into work in the morning and see how quickly you get the entire carriage to yourself. It is a gimmick that is about as welcome as publicly converting to Islam on public transport.

Also available on the 16th of February is a 2D platformer that isn’t completely stupid but is a little dated-looking by design, BATS: Bloodsucker Anti-Terror Squad. Yes, the war on sucking blood has gone into pixel-art platformers. Coincidentally, the war on naming things sensibly began back in 2021 when PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds became PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds: Battlegrounds and BATS released in 2021. I have nothing insightful to say about BATS, it is a 2D platformer beat ’em up looking to rekindle a love of 80s platformers.

The final Thursday of the month, the 23rd, will see three games available. We’ll start with the Legendary Edition of 2020’s Space Crew which David originally reviewed. Similar to Runner Duck’s 2017 initial success feeding off of a World War 2 stylized version of FTL, Space Crew took the formula back to the inky black. The Legendary Edition was an updated version with additional elements added, such as crew members leaving to explore and new missions. If you’ve played Bomber Crew through the two editions that have been available with Prime, this space variant is worth giving a shot.

One for Alexx this time around. Tunche might stylistically look similar to Visai Games’ Venba, but LEAP Game Studios’ 2D action hack ‘n slash Rogue-like stands out beyond its art. Not only due to the fact that Hat Kid from A Hat In Time joins the battle but also because of the monsters and the adventure to protect and bring peace to the Amazon Rainforest. Initially part of a very successful Kickstarter in 2019, the indie title is generally well-received by reviewers and fans alike.

If I see another ad on TV for a casual trading app, I think I’ll end up going postal. The final game of the month, Space Warlord Organ Trading Simulator tries to stylistically emulate both a stock market and an almost retro early Matrix-like lo-fi interface.

It uses that cornea dissection/headache-inducing style that seems to be en-vogue with indie development to earn favor with the GameStop stock people. Similar to Strange Scaffold’s An Airport For Aliens Currently Run By Dogs, it is nothing more than frustration at the neverending nihilistic tailspin we’re in as a result of the current kamikaze act that society is enacting.