How is your E3 shaping up? So far I’ve seen all of the shows and only one of them has made me enjoy life. The rest of these have made me want to headbutt a wall. This time it is the Xbox/Bethesda showcase following their recent purchase of everyone’s least favorite MMO developer. They are also great leakers of Two Point games, which is referenced in the Future Games Show. Anyway, let’s get to the first thing shown, which was released an hour before the show.

Bethesda’s big spacey thing which we still know nothing properly about is Starfield, which so far is about walking through a ship. Nonetheless, we did get the release date of the 11th of November, 2022. I like a good spacey thing, if they could pull their heads out the crap MMO no one wants in Fallout 76, we might get a fun space adventure game, but once again we don’t know yet. I’d like to see some gameplay from them instead of this teaser nonsense.

Next up Serah Bond came out to give a Ted Talk about what we were about to see. Here is an idea PR people, shut up and show the games already? Who knew that is what is best for a gaming conference? Nonetheless, she fed into the S.T.A.L.K.E.R 2 showcase.

Oh boy, if you like the colors grey, brown, and murky green, you are in for a treat throughout all of E3, as everything was a shooter in the vein of S.T.A.L.K.E.R 2. I like a bit of Chernobyl-based fiction, I think it is interesting. However, we’re stuck making everything else as depressing as this trailer was too. It was not a bad trailer, it just went on for a lifetime, and if you are not interested it was like that Rainbow Six Extraction trailer all over again. Nonetheless, this game that would be revolutionary if it were coming to the PS3 is launching April 28th next year.

Following that was Left 4 Dead 3, or as Turtle Rock would prefer I’d call it, Back 4 Blood. If you want to play more Left 4 Dead, this is more of it for sure. It is also set to release on October the 12th.

Next up was Avalanche Studios’ next game with Microsoft, an open world co-op smuggler game set in Asia in the 70s, Contraband. Can I shout “yes, please?” From the developer behind Just Cause, I can’t think of how many ways that would just go wrong, but in the right way, during co-op, I love it. I hate people, but that just sounds like a Top Gear challenge game if I’ve ever heard of one. I want to know more, but this was just a teaser, again.

Sea of Thieves is getting a bland pirate called Jack Sparrow in their bland game where you have to put up with people you don’t know. Yes, it is Disney and all that, but it is still Sea of Thieves which isn’t really a game at all, it is just the same mission in different dresses. I’d like it more if there was more competent AI and I could play offline, but until then Jack Sparrow can sit in the brig and have a blonde woman say things about him in a court. I don’t care. Nonetheless, it is coming to the game on June the 22nd.

Yakuza! Yes, I am in for all of this in my face and all over. Yakuza 0–7 (that’s 8 games) are now available on Xbox Game Pass, making the best deal in gaming even better, hands down. That trailer for Yakuza 7: Like a Dragon was perfect to show how stupid and weird the entire series is. You should just go play the Yakuza series now!

What did they call it Battlefield 2042… Just Cause! Ok, Battlefield 2042 is just a horrible title. The PR around it says that climate crises in the game aren’t a social commentary (Yeah Greta, get a real cause!), and it did steal its gameplay from Just Cause 4, I’m slightly interested. Yes, it’s Battlefield, but wingsuits, weather, and huge battles are like a man’s wet dream. With rumors of AI bots, I am ready to go back to a good old Battlefield, coming October 22nd, 2021.

Finally! 12-Minutes was first shown at E3 a few years back at the Xbox Games showcase, and I wanted it back then for how strange it is. A top-down time looping story-driven game, you play as a husband who comes home and within 12-minutes your life is turned upside down. You then have to repeat that 12-minutes for about 8-hours to figure out the puzzle. I can’t wait for its release, which is August 19th, this year.

This is not an alert people, we’re going in on August the 25th as we become a true Psychonaut in Psychonauts 2. I can’t wait for Double-Fine’s sequel to one of the greatest colorful, twisted, and beautiful worlds ever created. Psychonauts 2 is, for all the hype I have built up in me, shaping up to be one of the games of the year, I’m not kidding. I can’t wait to jump back in as Raz and getting inside some people’s heads!

Next up was the toilet break, as Pete Hines came out without a can of soup, but rather a can of PR crap. You’ll soon be able to play Doom: Eternal on Game Pass with ray-tracing, as you see a hell demon’s placenta fly past you at 140 miles per hour. I don’t see the benefit there. Also, Skyrim didn’t come to your favorite Smart-toilet or whatever it is left to be released onto. He wasted a good few minutes talking about complete and utter nonsense, and then moved on to dreck such as Fallout 76.

Yes, that thing hasn’t been taken outback yet and shot in the back of the head, instead, they are doubling down. Alongside some of the usual 76 updates, the game is getting a pre-Fallout 3 version of The Pitt(sburgh), but around anyone with a soul, that goes down like it hit an iceberg. Shut up, that’s a great joke, albeit dark and horrible. I mean sure, that’s what this game needs, a city that turns into a massive slave camp. I’d rather eat a bag of rusty nails.

Nonetheless, it went on with a trailer for Elder Scrolls Online, what if World of Warcraft had a lack of a color palette. If you enjoy MMOs, power to you, I can’t stand them and ads like this showing them off put me to sleep. Enjoy it if you like it, but I have no idea what any of that was about.

Hey kids, did you enjoy Gang Beasts but didn’t enjoy a fun and tight game that is great for teaching your little cousin new swear words? Party Animals is the game for you, a game trying so hard to be Gang Beasts it is wearing a Jelly Baby’s skin. Coming in 2022, the trailer went on for far too long and made me hate it more as it went on and on.

The god of thunder and Rock and Roll can’t come to the phone right now, but can Hercules’ emo little brother take the call? Yes, Hades is coming to the other consoles following the PC and Nintendo Switch have been hoarding that beautiful little gem, which I’m told a very good (10 times a minute). The story-driven Rogue-like is set to release on the PS4 & 5 and Xbox One family as well as the Xbox Series X/S family on August the 13th, this year. Also, before I get emails, I know Hercules isn’t Greek. He’s roman, but you probably don’t know who Heracles is anyway, so shhh!

Next up was Somerville, the answer to the question, what would happen if Inside was about being a parent. Yes, it is very Limbo and Inside-like but from the CEO who left Playdead to make this. It is still a while away, as the release window is still 2022.

Following that was a small thing no one has ever heard of, but since it is going to be free-to-play it might be quite big, Halo: Infinite. Yeah, honestly, I’ve seen PS2 games look more visually impressive and I’ve seen my toilet bowl feature more original gameplay. It is just more Halo, but this time like it was made of Meccano and some dirty feathers from a dead bird. If you like Halo, you can play this one at 120-frames-per-second, which is going to be hilarious in a second, I promise. Halo: Infinite is set to release this November-December time, if it doesn’t get delayed again for awful looks.

Right, so Halo is hitting 120FPS on the Series X, apparently, but Diablo 2: Resurrected is only hitting 60FPS? How is a game from the year 2000, albeit with slightly better graphics, not hitting the same as a game that looks like it was released on the Intellivision? Diablo 2: Resurrected looks nice, it looks like all the Diablo goodness of the original, but with slightly more defined lines. Good job, I hope this one runs better than Warcraft 3: Reforged did when it releases on August 23rd, this year.

Rat Tales, Woo-Ohh! I had to, but for fans of the original A Plague Tale, the sequel, Requiem, is set to be more rat-based misery. We still don’t know anything about it, as this was just the teaser trailer revealing it. The window for its release is sometime in 2022. I expect that will be delayed at least once.

Next up was Giancarlo Esposito plays the same character again: The game. Yes, it is Far Cry 6, but this time instead of the awful showing at the Ubisoft Forward on Saturday, we got some glimpses of gameplay. It is just more Far Cry, isn’t it? You’ll be able to play the game on October 7th when it releases on all consoles and PC aside from the Nintendo Switch. So yeah, it is just more Far Cry.

A bit of a surprise, next up was Slime Rancher 2, even slime-y-er edition. While there was a bit of the game shown, it does seem to be a short while away. With the release window of 2022, I would hazard a guess of this time next year, maybe later. Still, more Slime Rancher isn’t something to complain about.

What would happen if dudebros just took over SSX and tried to make Steep? Shredders is a new cringey personality-less snowboarding game that just does nothing to me, and I am someone who gets excited about extreme sports games. Maybe if they didn’t do that last line, “holy sluthering whiplash,” I wouldn’t want to drop-kick the developers off the edge of a building. Nevertheless, it is set to release in December this year.

Following that wasn’t going to be hard, but that’s when my LCD started to kick in and Atomic Heart was about fighting alien robots with your mum’s favorite toy. It was mental, all over the place, and I want to see more of whatever it is doing so I can know what it is. It looked like 70 different games, including that Death Stranding bit, but ok! Show me more, and slow the pace just a tiny bit, please. However, we didn’t get any release dates or windows, so I suspect fighting robot Hitler will be a while yet.

Next up was the game I’ve seen in several different skins already this E3, Replaced. A side-scrolling pixel-based game with beautiful lighting, it looks horrifically depressing, but also kind of warm. It has become a bit of an aesthetic, but one I do enjoy right now and think could be used well for a game such as this. However, we didn’t get a release date, just another vague 2022 window.

Grounded, what if you couldn’t get Rick Moranis and just made a horror game with spiders. I don’t understand Obsidian’s early access hell, but if you do enjoy being chased by nightmares you can do so on Shrooms. At least, I think they are handing out free drugs with the Shroom and Doom update coming on June the 30th.

A bit of an online bubble we’re in, Among Us got a trailer for their upcoming console port. Don’t worry, it is still “Coming soon.” However, you can now play in 15-player lobbies, so all the YouTubers and Twitch streamers can play in bigger groups in Among Us, soon.

Did you enjoy Octopath Traveler? Well, it seems someone else did too, as Eiyuden Chronicle: Hundred Heroes (don’t make me write that again), is just more of that. Honestly, I’m surprised lawyers aren’t banging down doors yet, it is the same art style, but I’m told is a spiritual successor to Suikoden. Yeah, it is just a classic turn-based JRPG based roughly on the Chinese novel, Water Margin. If I knew what I was saying, I might be interested too. Nevertheless, following that Eiyuden Chronicle: Rising, was also announced. The former is set to release in 2023, while the latter is set for 2022.

Again, we were shown the isometric Cyberpunk 2077-wannabe multiplayer looter shooter, The Ascent. I’ll be honest, I can’t remember if we got a release date before, but we did here. It is coming July 29th. The Ascent looks nice, but I don’t think it is going to set many fires in underpants to become the next big thing.

Age of Empires IV is coming this year, October 28th. It is coming with more of the RTS gameplay set to keep people as boring as I am happy for years to come. I want to find the time for this in October. However, again I think it is just another niche being filled, so go crazy you wild boring 37-year-old kids!

Admit it, you thought that was the trailer of the showcase, because it just was. Sure, The Outer Worlds 2 didn’t get gameplay, but it was so good at roasting everything we’d seen before, after, and what we didn’t see. I love that. I’d like to see where Obsidian goes with a larger and less experimental game, keep doing this! Of course, there is no date with this one.

Next up was an update on Microsoft Flight Simulator, coming to Xbox Series X/S from July the 27th. Nice, it will be interesting to see how it performs. However, I preferred the DLC announced after, from one of the most homoerotic films ever, the Top Gun DLC is set to release this fall.

When one of your longest pieces of the showcase is something that interests me, but bored me with its showing, maybe you did a bad. Playground Games announced there will be a new Forza Horizon 5 coming this November 9th, all without lowing a car from the ceiling. Set in Mexico, the next game will continue the online focus that I don’t understand, with stereotype-based games with Piñatas to run over. It is very very pretty, but after a solid 10 or so minutes, it got a bit boring.

With the show almost over, Uncle Phil (no, not that one) did the Yves Guillemot thing and patted himself on the back. It was not a bad show, but not a great one either. As the pacing could have been upped quite a ways, nevertheless, all the games in history are coming to Xbox Game Pass. Well, most of them anyway. However, he did have one more thing from Arkane to show off, a new IP no less.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxX-4U5uJqk

Just what I needed, another Left 4 Dead-like with magic and cringey dialogue. I liked the magic Black woman, she’s lovely, but Redfall was just vampire-based Left 4 Dead. All of which was done without any gameplay of Redfall, which is stupid. This annoys me, when you spend a good few minutes showing me something without it being either funny like The Outer Worlds 2, or filled with gameplay. Pretty, but we still know nothing about it.

Here is the entire showcase, for those who want that:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YnVzOA2wNs

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