Warning: The following article contains an embedded video that may feature strong language. Reader’s discretion is advised.

I said it in the video that I did for the site’s YouTube channel; Violence of any kind is wrong, and that includes against people you put on your hit list this Summer. Since the killing of George Floyd this May and subsequent Black Lives Matter protests broke out, there has been a strong voice within groups that say violence in retaliation is only right. To echo Martain Luther King Jr., “Hate begets hate; violence begets violence…” and to respond with only violence is to receive such retaliation in itself. So while Payday 2 might be about killing cops in the hundreds, neither I nor Phenixx Gaming are suggesting such violence as a resolution to any problems.

Payday 2, as a concept, is just that: Violence against cops and civilians. It would give the Roger Ailes-era of Fox News perverse excitement for weeks. It is a shooting gallery of law enforcement while you commit federal crime after federal crime. Or at least it would be if it wasn’t so laughably cartoonish. Early on, it is a typical light SWAT unit you’ll take on: of course dressed in blue. Sometimes you’ll be killing some in common uniforms next to the standard cop car, sometimes there is a collection of private security similarly dressed to that of the mall cop. Then as you get up in difficulty and further on with maps, you’ll find the medics, GenSec elite SWAT, Taser units, Snipers, Shields, Cloakers, and dozers (bulldozers – a heavy unit).

Moral panic aside, the latter units are dressed for all-out war, and they can bring it. I’ve exclusively been playing offline, and we’ll get to the issues with that in a minute, but that might as well make later difficulties titled “You Must Be Bloody Stupid.” Dozers are men (it is always men) in bomb disposal suits with massive guns on occasion and a metric ton of health. The first time you encounter one of them, you might as well tuck your head between your legs and kiss your ring piece goodbye. Cloakers, or as I like to call them “Sam Fisher-Price on his day job,” are worse.

Fantastical cops decree a desire for even more extravagant locales. Yes, you’ll start by pulling off a heist on a jewelry store, boosting a couple of hundred thousand dollars in jewels, but it ramps up a few hours into the game. There is a gripe I can see some having, but I feel odd being the one saying this: The grind is part of the game, and there isn’t really much of a way around that. Yes, you’ll repeat missions like a several-hour long omnibus of On The Buses‘ first series. As after about five or so hours, you’ll have played Four Stores, Jewelry Store, and Bank Heist so much you’ll have floor plans in your head.

Incrementally you’ll develop through the roster of available missions and get a further number of heists with increasing difficulty and absurd nature of their happenstance. You may even recognize the voice of “The Dentist,” as he’s called, in a piece of wonderful stunt casting that the game is accustomed to. With one of the many DLC packs, you can even have Lance Reddick as Charon call in contracts for you to take on behalf of The Continental. The Dentist is the unmistakable face in FMV background shots and the voice of Giancarlo Esposito, Gus Fring from Breaking Bad.

Speaking of DLC and stunt casting, to quickly finish this tangent. I have been playing as John Wick, because why wouldn’t you want to play as a very slight knock-off version of Baba Yaga? It is a close enough model of Keanu Reeves (who does not voice John Wick), though it does have slight imperfections. I don’t care! I’m playing as John Wick and robbing banks, that is great and I love it.

Quickly pulling myself back to the missions, they can range from a pedestrian bank robbery to going into the White House and stealing Presidential pardons so you can retire and get away with it. You can start with the low level things like robbing someone’s pension fund or their lockbox of useless tat, and go straight up to stealing nuclear warheads. Tonally it is a breakneck pace, but it just works for what Payday 2 is, an arcade of heists to gain millions of in-game dollars. Or more accurately, a couple of hundred thousand dollars at a time, which is then split between off-shore bank accounts and your personal one.

This is where I start bringing up the gripes, isn’t it? Most of the missions are crap to start out on, with only a couple hundred thousand dollars per heist. That’s a lot for Ms. Miggens to retire on, but as a criminal Baba Yaga, that isn’t going to buy champagne, ammo, guns, entertainment, cleaners to get rid of the bodies, and every other expense. This later gets fixed with higher difficulties and grander heists providing a better payout, but you’ll still feel like 30-minute heists should condone a better payout at the very least.

In single player, I’ll take an hour on one of the higher difficulties cleaning out The Big Bank. That is not only because it is a huge bank, but it is also long mission by nature when you are the only one doing the bloody work. The AI, god bless ’em, couldn’t pull any of this off by themselves, they are too stupid. Which is saying something considering when Payday 2 first launched, you only had two members who sometimes couldn’t see three feet in front of their face, and would wander around like headless chickens. Now they’ll shoot what is in their face, pick you up if you’re down, and there are three of them.

Between the three of them, they can’t do anything. They’re the ‘infamous’ Payday gang and only one member can fix the drills, pick up downed members, and do the objectives, and it is me! Between Bonnie, Clover, and Joy (my three), or any of the others, they might as well be floating drone turrets for all it is worth. I love the characterization of the characters through their dialogue that repeats like a presidential debate 20-years on, but they are still useless at what you’d want them to do. 

I understand why they don’t, I wouldn’t have to play at that point. However, when I’m trying to hoick bags around on Train Heist, I wouldn’t mind them fixing a drill once in a while – that would be nice. You can use them as pack mules for bags, but half the time, I end up shouting and swearing at them profusely for not being right where I want them at all times.

Continuing on, the money isn’t much use either. Sure you can fill out your 15 profile slots with different weapon and character load-outs, and you buy each weapon for tens to hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars. However, that isn’t where the game is drinking its own Kool-Aid, that comes in the weapon mods. If you want a specific mod you are out of luck, as you can only get them after missions in a random card-based shell game with cosmetics, extra money, and other things. Only is a strong word, as you can buy individual mods for 6 Continental Coins… which are few and far between.

Continental Coins are gained after a level through an XP-like progress bar, which is not generous with how quickly it fills. You can do the daily challenges and other dull grind-y nonsense, but I’d rather slam my genitals in a car door. Yes, I’ll excuse the game’s (somewhat) grind of levels, because every mission is supposed to be replayed over and over again, but I don’t want a second job of crime that doesn’t actually pay. The coins are also used to upgrade the gang with their abilities and boosts.

Missions on Crime.net (online and offline) are strewn across the map randomly with no rhyme or reason, and all at random difficulties. So, say you want Framing Frame on Mayhem difficulty, you’ll be waiting a long time as I may have only ever seen that once in my many hours playing. You’ll find Diamond Heist all over the place. Mallcrashers will be on everything but the difficulty you want; or you can play Jewelry Store on Normal. Yet much like buses, you’ll want one to come along and it never does, and when you don’t want one of them, two come along at the same time. It is infuriating.

However, you can buy contracts with your money. Say you want The Big Bank on Mayhem, it will cost you 2.4-million dollars in offshore accounts and you’ll only get 4.95-million back in a payday. That sounds like a bit of a deal until you realize that 4.95-million has to be split up into two accounts: your offshore bank and your actual bank. Offshore funds let you run bets akin to that you receive for free after levels, as well as the aforementioned desired contacts to buy; While the actual bank account is for lots and lots of guns. The betting seems fine, that is until you are trying to levy your odds with three safe cards for what you want and you flush 12.8-million dollars down the drain on a mediocre grip for a gun you don’t use.

This is all the nonsense I moan about with multiplayer “Live Service” games that end up desolate a month from launch. I hate every fiber of those games to their rotten and sadistic core, I think they are a plague on gaming that just won’t die. Yet, I love booting up Payday 2 for a few hours and prattling away at the wall of dead bodies I pile up as a meat shield in the foyer of a massive bank I’m robbing. Even in single player, for all that I moan about the AI being as competent as a dead goldfish, I still enjoy myself because of how mental and fun the heists are. Payday 2 has and forever will be marred by these design choices.

Putting aside the stupid premise of Mallcrashers, Heat Street is just annoying in sections, and those drills call into question the consumer rights practices of Madeupistan. It is great fun robbing banks, stealing nuclear weapons, and taking presidential pardons so you can get away with it. Alone, it is a mindless shooter with fun gameplay marred with moderately annoying systems. I have heard from friends that play with others, that it is a good group thing to coordinate stealth. If anything, that’s what is missing from single player, otherwise it is still fun being in the center of the chaos.

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Payday 2

$19.99

7

Score

7.0/10

Pros

• Great chaotic fun.
• Extravagant and crazy situation.
• John Wick!

Cons

• One or two dull or poorly explained levels.
• AI couldn't pull off a heist if they tried.