I hate Peri. For those of you with only knowledge of New Who (2005-now), i.e mostly my editor, I’m not talking about today’s episode of “Utopia.” I’ve been listening to the Big Finish adventures from the start during lockdown. Not at an expeditious pace, but quickly enough with F1 races to get through and Dark Souls to play. Through the audio dramas, I’ve found a new love for Classic Who (1963-1989); I was never one for the 5th, 6th, or 7th Doctor the same way I adore 9, 11, the War Doctor (between 8 and 9), a bit of 12, and a lot of 13.

In recent months, I’ve grown to adore Ace: A teenage woman (about 18-19) with a penchant for blowing things up. I don’t think I’ll love another woman again; She is perfect! I love Ace and 7 for their chemistry, they are brilliant. Dr. Evelyn Smythe is up there with Martha, she’s a woman in her 50-60s (it is unclear) who happens to be a historian. 6 has a problem of being a bit abrasive and lacking understanding, but she’ll smack him back in place, and I love it. Then there is Peri, Perpugilliam Brown, an American majoring in botany best known for wearing colorful tops that showcase why she puts Lara Croft to shame. Which is not the fault of Nicola Bryant, but Christ, that accent is.

There is a lot that went wrong about Season 21 (Yes, it used to be seasons of Who) of Doctor Who, including “The Twin Dilemma,” a story so bad it rivals “Fear Her.” The 80s were a tough time for Who, as John Nathan-Turner didn’t want to work on the show, but if not him, the show would have been canceled sooner. He had a preference, as most did back then, for very very colorful costumes and other decisions that made some dislike the show. I’ll be clear about this, I’m not blaming him alone, but he was heading the ship that was going to crash, and he knew it. So why use a fake accent that grates like nails on a chalkboard?

“Do-c-tor! Do-c-tor!…” It is like a bad movie for masochists. It is only made worse by Big Finish being audio dramas, so you’re left with only listening or skipping those episodes. So, in short, I’m still not one for some of the 5th and 6th Doctor’s range because of that awful accent. I also hate her characterization, but I put up with Mel, and Mel is as characterized as a blank piece of paper with a colorful light cast over it. Again, not the fault of Bonnie Langford, she had six stories (20 episodes) to get her character across while wearing clothes louder than her screaming during cliff hangers.

My point is, Who and an American accent, especially a bad one the feels like someone is trying to burn your nipples off with a bonfire of matches. We saw this with the Paul McGann film, now I love 8’s audio dramas, but the 1996 film with the shoehorned American plot of Daphne Ashbrook playing a love interest can get right in the bin. This is a long way to get around to the episode, but parking the TARDIS in Cardiff to soak up the rift energy is always going to lead to trouble after October 22nd, 2006. Trouble doth half come running with an American accent and blue WWII coat, clinging to the side of the blue box as it leaves Cardiff.

Yes, we’re now in the post-Torchwood premiere, and I couldn’t hope more for a plague to kill me. I love Captain Jack, I like John Barrowman, and I love what is revealed/teased through his piece of the story in Series 3, but I loathe Torchwood. That really was a horror show of masochism. “Doctor Who, but more adult,” as it was pitched as, but I like Doctor Who being partly a kids show with only specks of well-done horror. I don’t need two gay men ripping each other to bits and moody straight people in softcore-wholesome-Christian-foreplay; That’s what the internet and other humans are for.

Anyway, Jack clung to the side of the TARDIS, while she tried to shake up this abnormality to her regular journey. She flies to the end of the universe, the year 100,000,000,000,000. Sure it kills him, and when Martha sees him she has concern for this random man, but The Doctor doesn’t. I’ll be jumping about bits of the episode explaining bits, but he knows and has known for almost two-series now that nothing can kill Jack. He can be shot, stabbed, pulled billions of years into the future, drink liquid arsenic, self-perform experimental-exploratory surgery, and he’ll never die. Well, nothing but old age will kill him, and that will take some time for him. I’ll talk more about that later.

I want to talk about Malcassairo, the last planet in the universe before everything dies. It isn’t an interesting place, I’ll talk about Chantho and her people in a minute, but what we see of her planet is mostly underground or out in the dark. It is dull and isn’t a great adventure destination for a space and time adventure show. At the very least, it could have looked more like an alien world than the Classic Who set of a quarry in Wales. It is minor as gripes go, but this is meant to be a distant world with the last few hundred humans ever in history. Purple rocks or green space worms would have been enough.

Not to mention the “Futurekind” as they are called, that are meant to be de-evolved humans of some kind, play a fake threat. I’m spoiling what I’m meant to be building to, but Professor YANA along with all of humanity have built up hopes of Utopia, something the idealistic of you believe in. A world so perfect there is nothing wrong. Unsurprisingly it is only for those of the idealistic and hopeful mindset. However, through most of the episode, you’re meant to believe this cannibalistic Futurekind will be the downfall of humans. They simply aren’t.

The downfall of humanity is humanity itself, our own ability to dream and only think for ourselves. Our own very idea of the perfect world is one where no one else lives. I know that because we all currently hate each other for slight political differences, and that won’t change. We are pathetic self-loathing beings that only wish everyone else only knew and believed what we do, it is sad, but it is true. Just look at the Gallifreyan Time Lords, the most advanced being in the universe. They learned how to harness space travel, and yet still fought wars and kept a class system to keep the proles where they belong.

“And you’re back in the room,” as a charlatan would say after snapping their fingers. Yes, I got a bit introspective for a minute, but it nonetheless is true. To once again use a T. S. Eliot quote, “It was not with a bang, but a whimper,” that is what outdoes us as beings, our ability to dream that the world will end in chaos when it will fade out and smolder. Anyway, none of that matters, I should talk about the humans at the end of the universe, I like them! They will put a child, probably about 8-years old, where they all belong!

It is Professor YANA and Chantho’s promise to get Silo 16’s rocket to work, that is what has given these people hope of the fabled Utopia: “My mum used to say the skies are made of diamonds.” This brings me to Chantho, or as she calls herself when asked “Chan Chantho tho.” A quirk of her people and language, every sentence must open with Chan and close with Tho, otherwise, it is “like swearing?” I think the reason I like her is that she at least makes an impression. She has a design to her that sells that she’s otherworldly; more so than the planet anyway. She’s different, I like it, it contrasts well with dull humanoid villains and passive companions all the time.

Even Professor YANA is interesting, but that’s because Derek Jacobi is brilliant. YANA is an old learned man with a humanoid insect-like being as an assistant. He is just an old man trying to help what is left of this kind, the human race. Where else have I heard of an old man trying to help the human race before? Oh well, he’s trying his best, and sadly for them, his best just isn’t lifting that rocket off the ground. It is a sad state of affairs, it is good the grandstanding Doctor has come along to profess his own brilliance and sonic it all into a working state.

That is when YANA starts getting flashes, like dormant subconscious memories that he’s never had. A weird man comes along, wibbles a thing with a sonic screwdriver, talks of a TARDIS. He continues to hear a pounding in his head, the talk of time travel stirring up memories this mere human could never have, “And you are back in the room!” I got a bit sidetracked with his aimless mind wandering, it will be fine. He’s got a fob watch like The Doctor’s and everything… Oh.

It might be worth going back to the start of the series in “Gridlock.” Oh, I do love a good episode with cat people that look ten times better than Andrew Lloyd Webber’s cat-kind. They look a million times better than the latest film, if not billions of times better. It also had The Face Boe, I love that old man, he’ll never die for a very very very long time. Though with old age you learn to keep your friends close, and when the time is right or the plot convenes it, you can give a warning: “But know this, Time Lord. You Are Not Alone.” You Are Not Alone… Y-A-N-A.

Oh yes! At the end of the universe sits the other Time Lord, the last one that has sat at the end of the universe for his best friend to come along. Well, Best friend might be a stretch now, the 4th Doctor died after he tried to save him, and subsequently died because of it. “Use my name,” Oh when you regenerate into John Simm, I’m always going to call you Master. Oh, I do love how the episode had done it, the long game to reveal YANA was the human version of The Master, I do love Russell T Davies, I don’t care what anyone says that was brilliant!

Next week I get to talk about the TARDIS being used to create a paradox, John Simm being perfection as it stands, and a bit of a cop-out for an ending that’s treated like the second coming. I love “Utopia” and its subsequent following two-parts, it is what Doctor Who would be if it kept the 6-part stories of Classic Who. However, that slower pace overall could be problematic for our current attention spans, something that is only proven by how bored you are of this sentence already. It is the brilliant but flawed first part in what will be one of the best (and only) three-parters in New Who.

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Doctor Who "Utopia"

7.5

Score

7.5/10

Pros

• Chan Chantho Tho.
• Derek Jacobi is pitch perfect to YANA.
• Going the longway around to get to The Master
• John Simm in a few moments made the role his own.

Cons

• The alien world doesn't feel so alien.
• Futurekind aren't much of a villain or integral plot point.