Here we go! We’re in Series 2 proper now and I can admit, this series has more episodes I don’t care for or just plain hate than ones I do like. From that, assume “Tooth and Claw” is in the former category rather than the latter, as it is a paranormal horror episode with a Scottish man doing possibly the worst Scottish accent since Mike Meyers, James Doohan, and Simon Pegg. No wonder Americans don’t understand Scottish people. Aside from the raving alcoholism, you’re never exposed to it properly so you can’t understand the broken semi-English with an accent that grates like genitals on a cheese grater.

Don’t expect this episode to be filled with praise, it is stupid and somehow I’m never in the mood for this brand of stupidity. For example, the episode opens with a large house in Aberdeen being seized by martial art monks (led by a Catholic Priest) with thick Scottish accents. The only Muay Thai anyone in Scotland knows is the takeaway restaurant serving Anglo-Asian food dipped in enough batter that you couldn’t win a fight against a wet paper bag. Putting aside that and Tennant’s dreadful faux-Scottish accent, I have never cared for the paranormal. If there was an episode I wasn’t looking forward to this season, this comes in a close second behind “Fear Her.”

There is one thing I do like, and it might very well be my only praise of the episode, the music. While The Doctor and Rose are in the TARDIS with a plotted route of the 1970s, Rose asks if her dungaree skirt-thing works with her pink t-shirt, black tights, and black boots. Without going full Condé Nasty, he starts playing “Hit me with your Rhythm Stick” by Ian Dury & The Blockheads. After telling her she’d look better in a bin bag, he flies the TARDIS the only way it should be done, hitting bits and pieces with a hammer until you crash land.

I don’t think you need me to tell you that they didn’t crash-land in the 70s, at least not the 20th century take on the 70s. It is time to have quite a dull adventure around a house in Scotland with Queen Victoria in 1879, Rose might as well be wearing a bin bag for what she’s about to be told. With a skirt and tights on and only her arms and head on show, she’s told she’s naked and vile. It is true to the time and it is fitting for the story, but it also feels a bit weird that a grown woman is being harangued for wearing what was at the time of 2006, modest clothes. In honesty, it is just to show Queen Victoria is wound tighter than the corset she’d be wearing.

On the whole, the episode is lacking a sense of adventure while keeping the usual Doctor Who agency to the story. With the strange bald Catholic martial art monks playing a game of “Who can look the most obvious,” it makes me wonder why they are here at all other than to be a cartoon villain. Then again, after next week, you’ll understand why I’m a bit miffed off with the ridiculous and cartoonish villains that serve little purpose beyond that. As I said back in “Father’s Day,” it is the horror that gets me. The muted tones, the focus on scares, something mysterious yet obvious going on behind The Doctor’s point of view that only the companion will find.

That’s where we have to talk about the one monk that isn’t serving the good old Queen Vic, the one in the cage in the basement. With all proper staff of the house, owners, caretakers, and Rose locked down there after a while, the lone man in a box is revealed. He is a monk that turns into a werewolf at night, a werewolf in search of gold, silver, and jewels. He’s a more of a were-magpie with big teeth. All the while upstairs, it is meant to be gripping tension as the house owner explains, hints, and then reveals the purpose of the catholic monks, the lack of his wife, and more.

Honestly, that gripping tension is lost on me in several ways, not least of which is the writing and acting; though there is something else in there, I don’t like the Scottish accents in media. Too often it is a joke that is over-exaggerated and makes any sense of the real thing just sound wrong when given the time. Yes, go Star Trekking across the universe, but before you head off try listening to the people you are trying to impersonate. In the UK the accent changes every 25-miles, in Scotland that means an American will understand you a bit less every 25-miles. Why does that matter? The point of a speaking role in any sense is to be heard and understood, here there is a loss of tension as accents wobble, teeter, and fall all over the place.

The only thing left is the old Queen Vic with her own joke hammered home, and the fact she’s packing heat! I get it, the easiest way Doctor Who can indicate adventure is to go jump on the grave of a historical figure until they wake up. Here is the other problem, there aren’t many of them that are fun because we’re only using them for paranormal activity. Shakespeare’s episode next series is a bit crap as is Pompeii in series 4. In fact, I’d say Matt Smith had the best historical character episodes because “Victory of the Daleks,” “Let’s Kill Hitler,” and “Vincent and the Doctor” are brilliant episodes, written by three different writers.

Instead of doing as those episodes did by bringing the character along for an adventure, it is more a case of just having her there for the joke. “We are not amused,” it is a phrase or put down she is rumored to have stated after someone told a story that (of the time) was a bit too vulgar in tone, especially for a dinner party. The Doctor wants to hear it, and Rose continues to take two or three moments to provoke her into saying it. That is it, that is almost her entire thing. A gun, a comedic phrase, and she is someone to be threatened by the wolf, it could have been anyone really.

In fact, in the final moments following the rather dull resolution where Rose and The Doctor are knighted (“Sir Doctor of TARDIS”), she finally says it, and then is promptly exiled. She mistakes time travel, knowledge of the supernatural, and science fiction for magic, consulting with the stars, and so on. There is a fun joke about Victoria being bitten or scratched by the wolf, playing on the “Politicians and monarchs are Lizard people” conspiracy with the idea that The Royals are just werewolves. While leaving the house, old Vicky talks about protecting the UK with an institute, an institute to work from the house’s name, the “Torchwood Institute.” Yeah, that old bat is a werewolf!

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Doctor Who "Tooth and Claw"

5

Score

5.0/10

Pros

• I like the music to open with,
• Flying the TARDIS with a sense of adventure.

Cons

• A lack of tension when it is needed.
• A bit too cut and paste.
• Queen Victoria's part was terribly done