Have you ever asked yourself the question, “What makes me love this so much?” and replied, “giant stupid rubber aliens that want to sell off the planet to the highest bidder.” No. Just me then, ok. Well, let’s get to Russel T Davies first two-parter of Doctor Who, “Aliens of London;” it’s a bit of a crap episode. Given I’m doing both parts, it makes sense to jump right on in and get to the point. It does eventually build, it starts putting the pieces in place for so many intricate parts of the puzzle, but in reality, modern tv uses gore, sexuality, and faux complexity of everyone dying. These episodes are far from that; they are fun and silly.

Returning home from the year five point five slash apple slash twenty-six and eighteen sixty-nine, Rose just wants to spend time with her mum, Jackie. “How long have I been gone?” she asks The Doctor as they step out the TARDIS, he states it has only been twelve hours. The countless wind and rain blasted missing posters and Jackie’s smashed cup says it has not been twelve hours; it has been twelve months. To say Jackie wants to stab an alien from the north would be an understatement, but the cop taking Rose’s statement might take umbrage with that. No, she instead slaps him.

The biggest problem with new Who is the domestication of the space wizard with a time and space machine; stuck on a council estate on the south side of London. A kid spraypaints “BAD WOLF” on the side of the TARDIS. Sat atop the highrise blocks, The Doctor and Rose natter on about the implications of their lengthy travels and her disappearance. Talking of the slap, she says, “you’re so gay!” Remember when that was used in kid’s TV shows about approval when someone shows emotion or feeling? First, it was a gay man that wrote the episode; second, it does stick out now, but then it was effectively nothing to a lot of people.

While Rose and The Doctor talk about what she’s seen, the scope of it all, and how she can’t talk about it with anyone, a ruddy big spaceship flies overhead. Exhausts billowing black smoke and fire, horn blaring like a falling semi-truck causing the doppler effect like it was a rod from god, and is heading for the city of London. Crashing into Elizabeth Tower and Big Ben (the clock in the tower), it lands belly first in the Thames. Where’s The Doctor and Rose? Southside of London two miles away, where streets are blocked and the army reserves hold big guns locking down everything. A bit like now.

So, the city is gridlocked (Oh, how I love Novice Hame), The Doctor doesn’t want to put the TARDIS in that mess as well; let’s watch the news instead. This is where it all becomes a bit too British in only the best way, an American show (Avenue 5) would have nipples, gore, murder, and all flashing before your eyes. It is a bit pedestrian to sit and watch the news while something big goes on, but it also grounds it a little more in reality. Back in the house, Jackie is verbally smacking The Doctor, invited neighbors who shout at Rose about her disappearance, and a body is found in the ship.

An extraterrestrial body, taken to a locked-down Albion hospital, and a high ranking military official entering the hospital soon after. There’s only one thing to do. Get a look at the body with Doctor Toshiko “Tosh” Sato; Joy, yet another Torchwood tie-in, building to episode 9, “The Empty Child.” Nonetheless, this is where we get into the churlish act of laughing at a couple of large men and women farting because: “Ha! fat people farting.” I never said the show didn’t have problems. The issues themselves are more something we should damn ourselves for rather than the episode, we were a bit too accepting of it.

While we do have a collection of jabs at politicians, we also get the most charming politician in the universe, “Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North.” We’ll get back to her, as the Prime Minister is missing, and one of the large politicians (Joseph Green) becomes the acting PM. He’s handed the protocols in an event like this, taking two of the other larger figureheads into the cabinet room. The villains are in play, all the while The Doctor is surrounded by stupid humans nattering on about X Factor results and knock-off SIM cards. He’s off for a wander, handing Rose the TARDIS key.

On his walk down out to the TARDIS, weed-smoking 20-somethings drink a planet’s worth of alcohol and have a rave as the aliens have arrived. Mickey, Rose’s boyfriend, who just lives across the way from Rose, finally sees a northern bloke walking towards a blue box with “BAD WOLF” on it. It’s only been there all day. That northern bloke takes the blue box to have a chat with Doctor Sato, and possibly, find out what the alien body looks like. It’s an alive humanoid pig, running the halls, and is later shot by one of the army men locking down the hospital.

It was a mermaid; A decoy, a wave of the hand by the magician as they work their “Magic” elsewhere. Once again, Eccleston perfectly turning from excitement as it is something strange and new, to anger that something scared and running away from perceived danger was shot. How the man doesn’t have all the awards for his work is a crime against him, he’s fantastic. Meanwhile, back in Number 10. the larger politicians are being berated by the correspondingly large military officer from the hospital earlier. This is where the politicians, for want of a better term, unzip their human suits, devour, and hollow him out.

Back in suburbia, Micky finds Rose, slouched in a chair in the living room, and watching the news like everyone else. Micky tells Rose that The Doctor has up and left her, the two of them and Jackie run out to the TARDIS parking spot outside their flats; it’s gone. Gone for about three seconds as it comes back in full view of Jackie, the only one not to have seen it… “move.” Shocked that her daughter has been off with an alien, she puts in a phone call to the police with his alias, ship, and look of said ship: “The Doctor,” “Blue Box,” and “TARDIS” flagging every U.N.I.T. (the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce) system with big bold letters.

That’s all the revelations of “Aliens of London,” so let’s transition to “World War Three.” Of course, after Jackie did something stupid and Micky did something equally stupid (running from men with guns); The Doctor and Rose are “escorted” to Number 10. Though I do love the spotlight shining down on him and Rose as he shouts, “Take me to your leader!” Now with the alien experts, aliens in human suits, and The Doctor in a single room. Harriet and Rose have a bit of a private chat. Harriet is the only one to see the Raxacoricofallapatorians unzipped, and after all, Rose has seen the planet die while standing next to aliens.

A large constable is taking Jackie’s statement. However, he’s large and has a zip on his forehead; he’s one of the big green Slitheen. Eight-foot tall green monsters, with foot-long claws, big black eyes, and looking like the most terrifying thing… if you’re five. Slitheen is the family name, Raxacoricofallapatorian is the race name, all from the planet Raxacoricofallapatorius, part of the Raxas Alliance and twinned with Clom. Shut up, I love it when this show is stupid and fun, I’m going to have a ball with “Love & Monsters.” Nevertheless, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Picking up where we left off with the top brass alien experts, The Doctor as one of those, all being killed by two of the Slitheen. The acting Prime Minister is in his suit and top general out of his. The Doctor pulls off an electroshock device that’s killing the human experts, placing it on the undressed Slitheen playing armies for the day. This, I guess inexplicably, also shocks the other Slitheen. It’s not entirely shown, but the Raxacoricofallapatorians in Downing Street and on the council estate feel this. Something tells me calling them by their race name might get annoying, and put my character count above fifteen thousand.

Stunned, the two in the room with experts can’t stop The Doctor running from to get the attention of the police with guns, all the while Margaret Blaine (the female Slitheen) has been attacking Rose and Harriet. Rose and Harriet escape, as does Jackie, while The Doctor was pulling in men with big guns into the room, the general is climbing back in his human suit. Ever feel like you’re describing Hannibal Lecter sometimes? Me neither. The acting PM helps his brother and puts him back in his suit, just in time for The Doctor to burst in with the cops in tow.

“I think you’ll find the Prime Minister is an alien in disguise,” if there was ever anyone irresponsibly childish reviewing this episode, they might just suggest something about British politics and David Icke. Time to run, as Harriet and Rose have done with Blon Fel-Fotch Pasameer-day Slitheen in tow. The four of them intersect after The Doctor was backed up against a lift (“elevator“), giving Rose and Harriet enough time to run and hide. Now, with The Doctor, Harriet, and Rose all on the upper floors with Blon (Margaret), Jocrassa (MP & PM Joseph Green), and Sip (General Asquith) Slitheen all are on the hunt.

The latter three all collect in the room Harriet and Rose hid in; I never said they did so well, so they are found easily. The Doctor bursts in with a fire extinguisher in-hand, sprays the Slitheens, and runs, with bad 2005 CGI Slitheen in tow once again. As de rigor, collecting at the doorway of the cabinet room, The Doctor picks up what I’d assume is whiskey, saying he’ll triplicate the flammability of the bottle if the Slitheen do not tell him their plan. In typical Who-fashion, when he is in danger and knows he’s also safe, he’ll talk about what he’s about to do; he, Harriet, and Rose are in between the four safest walls in Britain, the cabinet room.

Very smart, he’s just locked himself and two of the episode’s companions in a room. Jackie being saved both by The Doctor removing his tag, and Micky smacking the constable with a wooden chair, she’s at least safe-ish. Taking the body of the PM’s secretary (killed by Blon) into a nearby storage/coat room, The Doctor asks Harriet what his name was, she doesn’t know, and he apologies to him for his death. Stuck for a resolution, Rose suggests just bombing Downing Street with a nuke; “you’re a very violent young woman,” Harriet suggests wonderfully.

Anyway, to launch a nuke you need UN approval, something that can only be done by the PM denoting a threat. The same PM that’s an alien and the threat. The Doctor tells Micky to login to the U.N.I.T. website, the top-secret group of extraterrestrial knowledge with only the best minds, with a website password of “Buffalo.” It doesn’t matter, the constable is back at Micky’s door this time at three in the morning. Still on the phone, the five of them (Rose, Harriet, The Doctor, Jackie, and Micky) need to figure out a way of stopping him. How do you stop a beast of calcium? Hannibal (the Carthaginian) used vinegar to set fires and cut rock.

Soaking him in a vinegar cocktail of whatever is in a kitchen, he just bursts. Jocrassa, as dressed as Joseph Green, begs the UN for nuclear codes to strike a made-up alien threat; really, he and the other Slitheen want to nuke the planet to dust, selling off the ruins as alien fuel. Threatening as they may be, The Doctor is the only one offering a free escape; otherwise, he, trapped in his little box will stop them. The problem being, there’s only one way out of the cabinet room, one way that puts Rose and Harriet in danger, something The Doctor nor Jackie wants. Without hearing the plan, Rose accepts whatever it is.

Yet, according to Harriet, it isn’t a solution The Doctor has to decide on, she does. The only elected official in the cabinet room, the only one with power, and the only one commanding The Doctor to do it. I mean, it is firing a non-nuclear warhead at Number 10, blowing up the countries head of government with its own weaponry. Two out of three have made decisions, time for Rose to make some. How about hiding in a small cupboard meant for coats and file storage, they say you can survive an earthquake in a doorway; how could this go wrong?

This is why they couldn’t make this an American show, the whole of Downing Street is flattened, the Prime Minister is dead and has been all episode, and the only semblance of government is a woman. Soon enough, she’ll be the PM saying: “I don’t think we’ve been introduced. Harriet Jones, Prime Minister.” The day is saved, The Doctor is back with the TARDIS, and Rose is home. Well, that would be the case if he didn’t tease a grand experience of riding a shockwave through the eye of a storm, ultimately pulling her back in with the adventure.

Getting that same kid that sprayed “BAD WOLF” to scrub it off, The Doctor talks with Micky about everything that’s happened; news calling it all an “alien hoax,” and how dangerous he is. Yet, Rose and The Doctor are back on their travels once again. Fans that are rewatching know what’s to come, it is still fun to think I’m going to explain what the “BAD WOLF” is to someone who’s not seen this entire series. It’ll be interesting, as fans even think “what in the bejesus was that pile of tosh?” I’m not even talking about the “Love & Monsters” kind of bad, it was just dumb.

However, that’s for another time. Next up, an episode full of dreadful put on American accents, a museum of alien tech, and an underground bunker in Utah in the future of 2012; all in the episode “Dalek.” It shall be fun, as it is the return of a villain (I wonder who?), The Doctor yelling for someone or something to kill itself, and just another fantastic performance by Eccleston.

“Aliens of London” & “World War Three” weren’t going to be for everyone, rubber and CGI aliens in a kid’s sci-fi show will do that. However, taking it as it is, it is still a fun episode with a major threat. The farting and having people who are bulky be the butt of a joke is a bit childish, but how else would the show gain a new audience if they don’t get kids interested. By making it a bit camp and also making it horror movie-esque, which is all I want at times, with Eccleston beautifully shouting “It was scared!”

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Doctor Who "Aliens of London" & "World War Three"

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7.5

Score

7.5/10

Pros

• Eccleston's wonderful acting throughout.
• The Raxacoricofallapatorian's design.
• A wonderfully mad story.

Cons

• Domestication of sci-fi.
• All the farting.