I expect the Australian government to ban this one faster than a gay couple would get stoned in Amsterdam. I’ll assume you didn’t expect that to be a European city, and more a middle eastern one; expect that to be the only assumption to be broken. For you see, Succubus is a forthcoming game from the people that made Agony, that game about smashed together genital warts and coloring book of a My Chemical Romance fan. That’s to say a bunch of smashed together abominations.

Agony was a game about some bloke in hell. None of this weak video game hell of being stuck in a room with Peter Molyneux and David Cage either. I mean proper hell, like the Bible’s description of angels who have six wings covered in eyes. Succubus takes that, injects a bit of a politician’s idea of what video games were in the 90s, and then listens to Slayer for several hours while ignoring its parents. Yes, it is angsty, it is an abomination, and it is stupid. This time, unlike Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, I don’t mean that in the way of a dog collecting your slippers and hitting a glass door; it is just stupid.

As I’ve alluded to, the last game by Madmind Studio was about the pornography Hieronymus Bosch would fall asleep to, Succubus is just porn. As I sat thinking about even writing this, I had several jokes in mind between calling it “Dead Baby Jokes – The Game” or what Jack Thompson would tell Hilary Clinton what video games were; none of that does any of this justice. A plain straight-faced description of some of the most horrible things in here might be a better annotation of what to expect out of this.

The video linked above is luckily age-gated, so unless you are either lying to YouTube about your age or an adult, you’ll not be able to see the first-person shot of a woman’s breasts. Yes, while I joke with Alexx and Lisa about JRPGs having bigger valleys between nipples than the Andes, this takes home the crown. You play as Vydija, a naked succubus (succubi?) with her norks flopping around more than Quiet’s do in MGSV. In this 13 minute trailer, there’s more nudity and violence than a regular episode of Game of Thrones.

I think the porn motif fits this game quite well, more so torture porn but porn nonetheless. Every area in the trailer is a fairly small one where naked and half-naked men and women try to take you on as you slit them up faster than Toshiro Mifune does in two Akira Kurosawa films. Fail and you probably have to stab them again, succeed and you get to watch some of the most distressing things in the world. Take this as your warning as I’m not going to sugar coat this horrific mess.

About five minutes in, after stamping on some demonic cherubs, the titular succubus comes across a naked woman strung up by her limbs. In the distance, you can hear some crying; it is from inside the woman. The said succubus then proceeds to punch the woman in the stomach causing some quick bruising, then sticks her hand up the woman (yes), and pulls out the fetus. Then breaks the neck of the said fetus and drinks from the stump, this is rumored to be how you heal. I expect that after the next mass shooting in America by a man in his late teens or early twenties, this game will be blamed for all the word’s problems.

The thing is, Succubus is just bland. Yes, four minutes after killing tiny hellspawn, there is a sex scene where Vydija beats a man stiffer than a viagra salesman. However, it’s done for shock and horror without context. Again, I’ll return to my comment of “Dead Baby Jokes – The Game,” we all knew that kid in high school who would tell you stories that were masked as jokes, yet they didn’t understand that comedy is about saying the wrong thing but with context. From the looks of it, Succubus is a 12-year-old’s mind, six million dollars, and the word “edgy” knifed into two of the largest blood-soaked breasts you’ve seen.

That doesn’t say I am not looking forward to playing it, one can’t help but look when driving past a car crash. That said, at this time only the PC port has been announced, and there is no release date to come along with gameplay. You can, however, (WARNING: Link contains nudity) wishlist it on Steam.

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