This is the one, this is the month I’ve been speaking about all these months here at Phenixx Gaming; this is really stupid when I read this out loud to myself and I hit my hand off my table. My downright ridiculous moments aside, last month I said that Twitch Prime should focus on one or two games to pull you in, and one or two strange little things to raise the intrigue. This month I scrolled down slowly in dread, waiting for a ports of The Last Blade, Fatal Fury, or DubWars. A jelly bean stocking filler than the preferred; a person of your desired gender covered in cake. However, I’ll get to those towards the end.

As we tend to, I’ll start with the lots of little add-on details that I find as welcome as a tramp sitting on your lap on a hot bus like you are Santa or a Mr. Clause. One of the smelly little scrotes that’s curled up with Twitch Prime is Grand Theft Auto Online and that god awful casino, which is nothing more than gambling. Fun fact: Did you know the only reason the casino is not classed as gambling in the UK is that you can’t cash out? That makes it worse, it is like a mugger taking your money, defecating on it; giving it back and then expecting you to use it to buy milk.

Nonetheless, with your Twitch Prime subscription, you will be able to claim this “Free Master Penthouse & More” for free. It was my understanding that the free penthouse deal was only for a select couple of days before the casino’s release, however, I may be wrong. With this bundle, you will be able to claim the $1.25 (in-game) million dollars, incentivizing you to go to the casino. You will also have the ability to get 15 percent more on any purchase of shark cards (from selected retailers) which is the mugger defecating on the money metaphor. You can do nothing but gamble that away.

On the other hand of this Rockstar based double-ended fecal mater stick, you could get “The Carcano Sniper Rifle and more” bundle for Red Dead Online. Yet another hive of scum and villainy, though I’m not talking about the wild west at this point. In this special little bundle of 1899 flavored hell, you can pick up $300 of in-game money, superior ammo, the Carcano sniper rifle, two outfits, an emote (like it was Fortnite), and the 15 percent bonus on the purchase of gold bars from selected retailers.

Moving from two things I don’t understand being popular in any way to a battle royale. You’ll have to be quick on the draw for the “Apex Legends Bangalore, Wattson & L-Star Skins.” This a collection of 4 unique skin drops in Apex Legends for the new character Wattson and Bangalore. However, unlike the Rockstar deals, there seems to be a defined date when this offer expires. Pick up the Apex Legends bundle before August 6th to get these exclusive skins for Wattson and Bangalore.

Continuing on the EA train, my foreboding lack of knowledge, and ultimately the theme of gambling set out by Rockstar today, brings us to FIFA 19. With your Twitch Prime subscription, you will be able to collect two exclusive Twitch Prime FIFA 19 ultimate packs; with the first featuring three gold players and one player with a 86 overall or greater. This first drop is only available until the 9th of August when I assume the second pack will become available to claim.

Then, of course, we have the monthly World of Tanks loot. Titled “Care Package Golf & Captured King Tiger Tank,” so I assume you drive around a lovely Golf GTI. Joking aside, this package (I assume) comes with all the same fluff as previous months: A king tiger tank, 14-day rental of two premium tanks, a day of World of Tanks premium, and several cosmetics and repair kits around the tanks. As I’ve said for the last few months, I don’t know much about this one because I don’t care for the game. However, if you do enjoy the game, you will want to pick up “Package Golf,” and your “King Tiger Tank” by August the 26th.

If you are a fan of Ubisoft’s The Division 2, this is the second cosmetic loot drop of four total. Much like last month’s “Spears Sports Team Fan + Baseball Mask,” this month’s loot is based around the fictional sports teams in the game. If you are a fan of the Red Panda sports team, which I’m sure is a sly reference to the “Washington Redskins” of the city the game is based in; then you can pick up the bundle now. Both the Spears and Red Panda bundles are available until the latter half of October. Last month I reported that the Spears will end on the 25th (which may be the day after or the day of), however, the Red Panda fan set ends on the 24th of October.

If you are a fan of RuneScape you will be able to pick up the Umbral pack. This pack includes the Umbral greataxe, Umbral wings, Umbral ankh, and all previously offered Umbral cosmetics if you don’t already have them. Now I’ve said Umbral so many times it’s gone weird in my mouth. The Runescape Umbral pack is available until the 19th of August.

The League of Legends: Monthly Rift Rewards are still available. This monthly reward is much like the Nintendo Online offer (which we’ll get to), you claim the reward and after X amount of days of it being claimed you get more of it. In the short description you will get 3 legendary shards, a full legendary skin, 7 skin shards, plus 4 emotes exclusive to Twitch Prime subscribers. This monthly reward is available until August the 28th, and one would assume if you claim before then, you will receive the 90 days of monthly bundles with it.

The next one you will have to be quick on, as the Call of Duty: Black Ops 4 bundle is only available until the 12th of August. This fourth bundle in the Black Ops 4 deals includes a Chomp’ charm for your gun, one “killabyte” outfit, one “steam soldier” calling card, one “bird of prey” jump kit, 100 nebulium plasma, and 5 reserve cases. As usual, I have no idea what any of that means other than Call of Duty fans love it or hate it, I understand the human race about as well as we know the bacteria in the sea.

Another thing I’ve yet to grasp is “Twitch Sings: Unicorn Onesie Outfit,” as far as I knew it Twitch Sings was a bunch of people singing live on the internet to strangers. According to the short description, you will be able to pick up a unicorn “onesie” (whatever that is) for an avatar in Twitch Sings. You will be able to do so from July through December, but if you want to dress an avatar as a unicorn you’ll have to do so by August 12th.

If you are a Warface fan you will want to pick up the Warface Idol Bundle. This gives several of your weapons an “Idol” camo, though it is blue and purple so unless you are fighting in the great barrier reef, that camo will do nothing for you. This camo comes for a revolver, pump-action shotgun, two automatic weapons, a sniper rifle, and a knife, so if you want to be a colorful stab-ist, you can. The Idol bundle is only available until the 26th of August, so be sure to claim your Twitch purple guns.

Next is the Dauntless: Combat Essentials bundle, and assuming Dauntless is an MMORPG I’d have no idea what was going on if I played this one. However, unlike last month’s Dauntless bundle, you do not get the Desperado title. Though you do get the desperado armor set, a purple dye, and a supply pack with a 7-day patrol boost. This Combat Essentials bundle is only available until August the 6th, so be quick to pick it up.

The Dungeon Hunter Champions‘ loot also expires on the 6th of August. With the Dungeon Hunter Champions Invoker Starter Pack, you will get said Invoker starter pack and a collection of “essentials” for your journey. Much like everything else here, I don’t know what any of it does to your game experience.

I’ll bundle the following two together as they have been here for over a month and will be in one months time as well. If you are looking to get an online subscription for Nintendo Online or an All-Access pass to the Overwatch League on Twitch, Twitch Prime is your go-to place. If you are an active Twitch Prime member you can buy an Overwatch league pass for just $14.99, or if you are a Twitch Prime member you can get a full year’s subscription to Nintendo Online free with your membership.

Now we’re onto the final sweet piece of this month’s Twitch Prime loot, the games. Only one of which is older than several months, which is a break from Twitch’s usual wide girth of Her Story, Hotline Miami, and Gunpoint alongside the likes of Majesty, Metal Slug, and Sanitarium. One of these games has just released onto the Nintendo Switch and PC, to my own detriment, one of which doesn’t release on Steam for two weeks, another released in February, and the last comes from a fairly contemporary collection ahead.

The first of which is Automachef released on the 23rd of July on the Nintendo eShop, Steam, Humble Bundle, and GoG. A game that is the equivalent of Factorio and Big Pharma being gently felt up on a bus by the creepy old man that is a McDonald’s. It is endlessly cruel in how brilliant it makes everything look and feel, it should make almost every other game feel inferior for being a thing. I think you know what I’m saying: If you don’t pick up anything else, do pick this up!

The second I had to check was playable as the website for Mable and The Wood states it will release in Q1 of 2019, Steam claims it will release in two weeks, and I have no confirmation whether either of them are true. All we know so far is I could download and boot up the game ahead of Steam’s release of this Metroidvania which Gamasutra’s Lena LeRay said, “Expanding a prototype & wrestling with difficulty,” while Rock, Paper, Shotgun’s John Walker said, “Mable & The Wood lets you avoid the boss fights.” As much as I want to jump in right now and play, I’m here giving you the information.

The next is a sequel to 2015’s Pumped BMX+, a game previously in the Twitch Prime loot. Pumped BMX Pro is on the same vein as the skiing of When Ski Lifts Go Wrong (previously called Carried Away), based around the physics of you tipping your bike on the 2D plane too far to laugh at the inevitable genital mutilation. Certainly on the latter of the “two games to pull you in, and two that are strange,” though I like strange.

The fourth and final game in the list is Lizardcube’s 2017 platformer Wonder Boy: The Dragon’s Trap. This is the strangest of the lot, as I’ve never heard of it, though through research on Wonder Boy I’ve found mountains of praise for this remake of Sega’s 1989 game, Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap. I also found out it is Lizardcube that’s working on the long-awaited fourth installment in the Streets of Rage series, revealed last August.

Now after that very long piece, I’ll be in the corner of my office devising the perfect way to make a burger without humans to create it for a month.

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