Monday, three Lord of the Rings games were added to Prime Gaming, Tetris Forever is just multiple versions of a Russian man’s game, and Pompeii: The Legacy wants you to build a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot. Tuesday, the new Zelda game with Zelda as a playable character had details revealed, there’s a new co-op horror out next Friday, and Randy Pitchford is apparently still alive. Wednesday, Concord isn’t though as Sony shut that down faster than a moderator on a presidential debate, and Atelier Yumia is another one of those JRPGs with breasts in tight cladding. Thursday, Golden Lap got a release date.

Moving on to the Epic Games Store, it is a double bill this week, so we’ll start with Football Manager 2024. Yes, the one where you actually use your foot to make a ball move, makes a lot of sense, or at least it would if you weren’t in a menu of spreadsheets constantly. If you’re a fan of numbers and paying people far too much for running around after other overly paid men, last year’s Football Manager title will be perfect for you. I still don’t understand half the menus, or even care.

Up next is the Call of Duty to Rebellion’s Sniper Elite series, Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts. Yes, they are set in dramatically different time periods and one has a villain that isn’t “Remember 9/11? or the Cold War?” It’s difficult to forget when that’s the plot of everything since nineteen-rickety-three, which is weird because neither were problems back then. There is contextual action as there has been in all of these Sniper Ghost Warrior titles, but much like my COD comparison, these are linear and not very fun or interesting.

Yet still, despite using an M95, M107A1, or even a SR25 carbine at 1000 meters, you can still be hit by returning fire from an AKS-74. So that’s two games that are about very boring things that take a while and somehow the more realistic one is Football Manager.

All this week you can pick up Sniper Ghost Warrior Contracts and Football Manager 2024 on the Epic Games Store. Moving on to next week I didn’t know we could scrape any further down the bottom of the barrel, but I guess we are. SUPER CRAZY RHYTHM CASTLE named after what a particularly stupid child shouted across the office one day, is a co-op rhythm party game, which sounds about as exciting as playing Super Monkey ball with your genitals as a dominatrix is fondling you. No amount of awkward segways could prep you for the next game after that, Rugrats: Adventures in Gameland.

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