“Did my donations not buy me five minutes of face time,” listen, Budget Musk, your donations wouldn’t get you unzipped and fondled. Again directed by Michael Weaver, “Farewell” is written by producer Christopher Monfette from “Penance” and “Assimilation,” who co-wrote the episode with co-creator Akiva Goldsman. Probably the best thing Monfette has done (as far as I’ve seen) has been Picard, too bad it was none of his three episodes so far. Meanwhile, Okumura is into his final stretch of five episodes as Juliana James thankfully leaves at the end of the season. Good riddance to both of you, I hope you take the wrong fork in the road.

This is one of the fastest-paced finales I’ve ever seen in my life, “Farewell” is a farewell in multiple ways. After the departure of Michael Chabon last season, Goldsman stepped up as co-showrunner, though I’d be willing to bet he took more of that responsibility this season than his counterpart. While I will berate writers and editors, I’ll correctly lay a majority of the blame for the season at Goldsman’s feet. JL and crew achieve their main goal in all of fifteen-sweary-minutes of the finale. To say I care would be an overstatement of my emotion, it is more apathy.

I’ve said it several times, the season is a mystery box waiting to be unfurled and rummaged through but it isn’t a very good one, nor does it understand the universe it is in. We know the goals of our crew, the trauma of JL, we know sledgehammers are employed to beat you over the head, and the one interesting thing from the season is completely gone after Agnes took the SS La Sirena last time. So with that, we’re left with useless fan service given while on its knees begging you to stick around for next season which was shot as this one ended.

Soong is out here running around a rocket launch base in California, which is probably Vandenberg, acting like he owns the place. Let’s get this right, he was established as a scientist (albeit with Data’s face) a few episodes ago. Have you met scientists? I get that it is Star Trek so we’re showing the nerdy guy from high school as this all-powerful monster that has been corrupted, but in 2024 95% of scientists aren’t running around their Malibu mansion creating drugs to kill your kids. Though some websites believe that.

The problem comes down to why I watch Star Trek over Star Wars: Star Wars is pulpy fun adventures with magic space religions, Star Trek is a detailed discussion of what it is to be human/good with an in-world “factual” explanation. We’re in the finale, and I’ve still no idea why Soong is here other than to be a pulpy mad scientist turned insane by his own ineptitude. It doesn’t feel like the story is about the character, it is about the actor and the fact we’re typically comforted by the face.

Fine, to hold any semblance that I’m reviewing “Farewell” alone, our crew tries to stop Soong from halting Renée Picard from getting into this Europa mission. Rios, Rafi, and Annika (I’m still not calling her Seven, get in the bin) all trying to stop whatever is at Soong’s ultra-modern mansion, while Picard and not-Laris run around SLC-6 as if an old man and an Irish woman putting on an accent isn’t suspicious. It just feels weird to have these odd people running around free on a D.O.D. sight.

The problem I have with “Farewell” is that you have all of this going on: Renée having a crisis of confidence, JL running around like he could do something to the young Air Force personnel guarding the launch sight, and the whole thing is wrapped up in a bow in 15-20 minutes. I don’t outright hate the fan service – I’m a fan, believe it or not. The problem I think I have is that the episode, more or less, is just that. It is fan service over a conclusion to the story we’ve been told.

So, I’ll ask again, what was the Borg Queen’s plan? She got a stay of execution by Picard during the Confederacy times, she took our crew back to the future year of 2024, took over Agnes’ body, stole the La Sirena, and now has a 400-year jump on assimilation after trying to help Soong, which would have brought about the Confederacy in the first place. Time travel-wise that wasn’t explained and neither is what we get. So the Borg-y thing we practically forgot about for seven episodes is there when Q fixes the timeline.

Aside from the fact we’re blipped back a few seconds and Rios is still in 2024, leaving the Star Gazer without a captain, Doc Ock is still trying to “attack” the ship. A situation that could have been resolved by Agnes popping the helmet off sooner, maybe then we wouldn’t have gone through all the Soong nonsense. Its Agnes who led to Picard blowing up the new Star Gazer, Q rewound time before he died despite being an immortal non-corporeal entity that thinks of itself as a god, and it is all to protect a small section of space from a portal where the Transylvanians come from as it farts.

I know I’m making fun with the Rocky Horror reference but when was this established as a threat and how was it built? I’ll tell you. Agnes pops the helmet off and within a few minutes, it is dealt with in the finale. So which was supposed to be the bigger threat? The time travel that wasn’t established with proper rules to make it make sense or the sudden transdimensional warp tunnel that was revealed and resolved in all of five to ten minutes. Better still, what problems were solved by these characters and what did they achieve?

Towards the end, you have Whoopi out here expositioning what saving the Europa mission did, but call me cynical, wouldn’t that be basic Starfleet history? Especially since it involves a direct ancestor of one of the most well-known admirals in the entire galaxy. Better still, why are we expositing that directly to Picard when he explained that as the reason for doing the stupid time travel mission in the first place? You aren’t onboarding new viewers in a finale for a show that aired on a streaming service.

Back to my point though, JL has faced his trauma that no one cared about for the last 170+ stories, Rios is getting his little EMH wet (unless he’s wrapped it) in a time he’s going to face a lot of prejudice, and… no one knows what Annika, Rafi, the kid, or anyone else got out of this. The timeline is reset aside from Agnes (however that works), and on that point, Q says because Rios stays in 2024 he can do something special. Spoiler, it is to return Elnor, who has been lying cold on a slab for the last 8 episodes.

Q clearly states that Rios isn’t coming back – again, why? You have a whole nuclear war in the coming years – he’s got some extra energy to bring back the kid for that fanfare moment. A fanfare moment that was about as earned as a chocolate medal for the 100-meter slow shuffle in an old folks home. Are we just going to ignore that Agnes isn’t there too, freeing up the energy already needed or are we lazily editing a TV show? She takes the long way around, assimilating for 400 years, so can someone make it make sense?

Realistically, I can see why season 2 of Picard lands like a banker on a Tuesday morning after the stock market crashed. However, you also have Terry Matalas (spoiler) writing and producing season 8 of TNG as this was produced, making it a little less appetizing to say this fan service slop tastes like it has some seasoning. I’ve said it time and time again, Picard feels like a show that is using the dressing of the Star Trek universe but it is practically every other show than Star Trek.

It wanted to be romance, drama, family drama, horror, a snuff film if I got my way when it came to hearing nonsense French repeated ad nauseam, a heist flick, and a crime thriller mixed with The X Files for two or three episodes there. Very little of it is actual, proper Star Trek from the ground up. Not that any of it matters because half the cast are swept away into the bin and I can’t say I’m even slightly saddened to see many of them put there.

Ultimately, all I have to say is to quote Green Day’s December 1997 single, good riddance. Not to pull the curtain back too much, but covering seasons 1 and 2 of Picard has been a formality that wasn’t really enjoyable because the writing and show itself hasn’t been enjoyable. Maybe it is, in fact, I know it is if you haven’t seen any other Star Trek, but that’s the problem. I know that this week, somewhere in the walled-off ghettos in San Francisco, a man is part of a hostage scenario that results in riots named after him. As I say, I’m a fan and as a fan, Picard season 2 is tripe.

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Star Trek: Picard "Farewell"

5

Score

5.0/10

Pros

• At least half the cast is in the bin so we can move on.
• At least the major threads aren't forgotten about.

Cons

• What was the Borg Queen's plan?
• So much fan service you'll be sick of it.
• Well done Chris, I can't wait for the bombs.