Oh, that Lea Thompson, that’s who directed “Assimilation” and “Watcher,” I’ve got it now. Why not just phone Robert Zemeckis and give him all the hookers, blow, and money he wants if you want a Back to the Future reference in production for nerds like me? It is messier this time on writing credits, Juliana James and Jane Maggs wrote the teleplay, but Travis Fickett and James wrote the story. Fickett, who created that crap 2015 12 Monkeys show, Maggs writing and producing for The Man Who Fell to Earth, and aside from 2 episodes of Superman and Lois, James didn’t have an actual episode writing credit at the airing of “Watcher.”

Again it is an A-B (maybe C) plot that is about as urgent to get to the adventure as an incontinent man is to get to the bathroom. With Rios now in ICE detention and Picard needing to find this titular Watcher, Agnes is left alone with Annie Wersching again. I keep saying it because it is true, the woman just understood the role and this is the redemption of Pill’s Agnes as a character because they are damn good together. It throws away the tropes Pill’s characters often rely on and says, “No, you are both evil, now fight.”

While Rios is locked in a cage and treated horribly, Annika and Raffi are driving erratically without being chased in the first place, and JL is left to talk to Ito Aghayere’s Guinan. Correct me if I’m wrong (I’m not) but Carol Kane appears in the 23rd century and 21st century without a hint of makeup changes in Strange New Worlds, so do we need a younger actor playing one of the aliens with a long lifespan? Come on Whoopi, pull your finger out and stop giving terrible takes on Menopause Daily, or as it is commonly known, The View.

I like Aghayere, she’s pretty good, but the show keeps twisting itself in knots to explain away an actor’s aging or things the writers didn’t know. Beyond my episode notes, I also have several series overview comments. Mostly my broader grievances, stuff I’ll bring up time and time again, or things in later episodes to watch out for. One thing I’ve said and I’m going to dare repeating, it feels like the show is written by people who don’t know the characters.

We’ll get into Patrick’s contracted requests, or at least it feels that way, but this is something else. We see it with Annika a lot, with Rios and Raffi, and mostly Picard himself. However, here we get a really annoying one that quite frankly becomes inexcusable: Jean-Luc Picard telling his dear-dear friend Guinan, “No, stay on Earth, these people of 2024 need you.” “Strange New Worlds” from Strange New Worlds (oddly enough) kind of has a rather significant reason for not doing that. You know, 30% of the population and 600,000 animals and plants became extinct as a result of World War III.

You don’t need to like First Contact, but can you have at least seen it? Can you maybe talk to the people working on the show that begun airing as this one ended in 2022? Can Matthew Okumura pull his finger out his hole and act like the story editor he’s supposed to be here? Fantastic, we’ll just tell one of the major characters in Picard’s life to stick around for the nuclear apocalypse that is coming two years from now. Which might be spot on for us too at the rate we’re going.

I swear I’m calm and there are parts of Picard I enjoy, but this lack of consistency and understanding of character is driving me up the wall. So shall I talk about Ten Forward Avenue and how annoying that is? So, it just so happens that JL over 30 years ago in the timeline offered Guinan a small office at the front of the ship on the 10th deck, right next to where she’d open a bar, yet it wasn’t named for being on the 10th deck and at the front of the ship.

No, it was named after an avenue supposedly in Bunker Hill where Guinan had a bar in the 21st century – you know, the area of Los Angeles with the big buildings in GTA? If I’m going to be this pedantic about locations in L,A, I might as well point out the police station (which is the exterior for ABC’s The Rookie) isn’t 25 miles away from Castaic either. You’d hop on the I5 past Dodger Stadium, go through Burbank, through San Fernando, through Santa Clarita, and only then are you getting into Castaic, 40 miles away. Though the hour timeline is about right.

“Watcher” wouldn’t be a bad episode and it sort of isn’t as long as you didn’t spend several seasons and four movies with at least one of these characters. As long as you don’t have expectations of these characters and know how they act, assuming they react like a typical CBS police procedural character from season 18, then yeah, “Watcher” is an alright to middle-of-the-road episode. However, Annika driving like she’s got a five-star wanted level when no one is chasing her and Raffi? Then when they are chased it only lasts a minute or two?

I’m left asking “How many drafts did this go through?” or better yet, “What was the original plan?” Some of this, or at least segments had to be altered because of COVID-19 surely, be it the chase, be it Whoopi’s bits as for Guinan involvement, or maybe something to do with Patrick. The only thing I’d be unwilling to say is at fault is the Borg Queen and Agnes because those small pieces, the bits we’re building up to are brilliant and the most consistent.

They both feel helpless and constrained, but at the same time, both feel like they have great power over the other. It is a constant battle between them verbally and emotionally of who has the upper hand. You know, the very thing Star Trek is? Not pointless car chases for drama outside the Staples Center (shut up, I’ll keep calling it that) and antagonizing an old friend who is yet to meet you.

So what do we know from this episode, “Watcher?” Well for one I know LA quite well, but for the characters what do we know or have they found out? Picard figures out that Guinan isn’t the titular watcher, and that whoever this watcher is they are quite vague about their things. He also knows that Agnes subconsciously knew something about the number 15 and we’re taking that to be the 15th of April, 2024. Which (appropriately) according to Google is a national take a wild guess day.

Agnes is finding that to help her friends, the people she finds oh so dear she was willing to double then triple cross them in season one, she needs to accept the help of the Borg Queen. Which again, this is the best part of the season. It is seeing unfathomable evil across the room from you and having to work together to achieve something. Meanwhile, Rios, Raffi, and Annika are seeing firsthand the very thing Guinan is preaching to Picard: These people have taken off the hood and put on a suit or uniform.

Some less swearing (thank Christ!) and some ok to decent character work makes “Watcher” an ok episode of TV, but a rather dull episode of Star Trek. Maybe I’m once again letting the destination drive my dour mood toward it, but honestly, it is just a reminder “Hey, isn’t John de Lancie fun?” Too bad he’s only in the episode for all of 2 minutes. Maybe the thrilling adventures of Dixon Hill can be more entertaining when we get back to a time when we have holodecks.

I like Ito Aghayere and I don’t hate her Guinan, but I hate how much Picard as a show wants to explain away what’s happening for things that have already been established. If it was a different actor playing Picard, I could see this being a reboot and I could understand changing things there – I wouldn’t like it, but I’d understand. However, it is the same Patrick Stewart and the same Jerri Ryan, we saw the same John de Lancie and the same Whoopi, explain the new things, not the established bits.

Ultimately, Picard at this stage isn’t for the fans of the franchise but a vehicle for CBS to milk a couple of extra subscriptions out of people on the fence. I think by this point it was switched to Paramount+, but I know in the UK at least it was through Amazon Prime. I don’t know who it rightfully is but I have met those who enjoyed season 1, and the thing they’ve said is that they weren’t a fan of the franchise before. Last I knew, Discovery was for those who didn’t like the stuffy courtroom drama in space or political fights in a conference room.

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Star Trek: Picard "Watcher"

5.5

Score

5.5/10

Pros

• Agnes and the Borg Queen.
• When Picard isn't telling Guinan to stay on Earth, but the personal moments.

Cons

• Surely you are around L,A, get a tape measure out, and get the right distance.
• Pointless car chases for drama.
• Lovely, more depressing hits at our lack of progress.
• The big boom is in two years, stop telling people to stick around!