Believe it or not, it is still not the worst-named episode of the series. That has to go to Chris’ next episode, the final episode, “The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos.” Much like the battle of bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, this episode also lacks what the title tells you it has. With no conundrum, it is instead just a typical Doctor Who problem that is neither confusing nor asked amusingly. That is unless you count the question, “did the concept artist read this awful script, get high, and watch Lilo and Stitch?” That’s the best explanation I have for an RTD-era monster and Chibber’s childish writing.

I’ve said it time and time again, but Chris has a problem in that he’ll write an episode and no one, including him, will look over the episode to figure out something better. The reason I never publish anything I write (outside of this) is simply how many rewrites I’ll do. I have no deadlines, and I don’t need to finish anything up for anyone’s enjoyment so I don’t have that pressure, nor am I paid to have that pressure. Chris Chibnall is not only paid to have that pressure but is given the largest amount of responsibility and ignores it to write whatever this first draft nonsense is.

So a medical ship that is named after an incident has a little monster on it and a great military general that the Doctor suddenly admires because Chibnall doesn’t understand the Doctor’s morality. If that sounds like quite a few ideas hitting you in the face, that is because that is what this episode feels like. Similar to “The Ghost Monument,” the ideas come thick and fast without much actual theming or idea to cling to; the theme of “Rosa” was being forced to do something you didn’t want to do. Nothing here, that you’d catch in a blue, pink, yellow, green, or other colored drafts is connected as they should be.

Why wasn’t the general a surgical captain and pilot (yes, I like M*A*S*H*)? That way you can still get the military thing in, it is a medical ship still, and you can still have the Doctor praise her. Maybe those redrafts could also fix the problem that the cast has about as much charisma as a race driver’s fireproof undercrackers. Nine characters in total (after that one guy gets knocked off), nine! I can’t think of a single hour in my entire life where I’ve given nine people my undivided attention and I’ve understood, heard, and cared for them all.

Some of those people should be killed off in the writing process, most likely the pregnant bloke that does nothing but reinforces the weak theme of fatherhood or fear thereof. This was never going to be Alien and its many sequels, which did have that theme and did it well. In the middle of “The Tsuranga Conundrum,” it is a 20-minute aside that began just an episode  ago with a van-sized spider-based pin put in that cushion. There is so much from a single viewing that gives you the idea of better episodes, better conclusions, better editing (both writing and video), better direction, and simple things like that.

Shall we talk about the condom? I know it is supposed to be “com-dot,” but no one thought to say how much that sounds like condom, so I’m rolling with it. How about the fact that in the episode after Yaz had a gun pointed at her head (written by the same person), she finally remembers she’s a cop? Or the fact that the TARDIS is missing in action, and we’re left with no real way of the team getting back to it. There is far too much that isn’t just nitpicking, it is simply looking over the details and noticing what’s missing to correct something to either be entertaining or satisfying.

So the Pting is a cute but indestructible little monster that feeds on non-organic materials such as metals. Why wasn’t there any tension after Brett Goldstein was punted out into space and exploded? Sure the Pting can’t kill the Doctor and the seven others directly, but that eight is easy eating for the creature that eats metals, surely. A bit longer in the face, but seeing David Shields made me think Burn Gorman returned to die for the crimes that were Touchwood or whatever that utter tripe that Chibnall wrote was called. We have an android right there, and yet never once is he put in peril.

That is what I think is most infuriating, beyond the slow red and blue strobe changing mid-cut is that there is so much here that could be done better with simple tweaks. Probably the best bit(s) is the fact Graham is still here being Graham, but that’s it. The Doctor being enthused about the anti-matter drive would have been great if she didn’t compare one of the most fantastic things in the universe (supposedly) to a bloody iPhone. Yeah, an iPhone was smaller, leaner, and more useful than a Nokia 3210 for a short while, but cheaper? No.

Ultimately, “The Tsuranga Conundrum” is much like its name, far too much in there with no active oversight into its contents. Frustrating to watch as someone who does even the slightest bit of creative writing, I can’t imagine just how boring it was without seeing exactly what was wrong from experience. Bloated in every sense that an episode can be, annoyingly loud direction, and nothing really being done that changes or affects characters. I still don’t understand a reason to watch the episode more than once or at all.

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Doctor Who "The Tsuranga Conundrum"

2

Score

2.0/10

Pros

• Graham stepping forward, Graham stepping back.
• Jodie is pulling me through this.

Cons

• How do you not do rewrites/editing of this?
• The editing on the slow strobe
• The one with charisma being literally punted out the airlock.