Tannenberg Is Free On Epic

Monday, a 2D fighting game’s last season pass character will be at EVO, and in other news, the sky is blue and British politics is about as stable as a teacup in the super hadron collider. Tuesday, more games came to Game Pass, and Oddworld: Soulstorm is coming to the Switch. Wednesday, it was announced that No More Heroes 3 will have you waving all types of controls about, and a buff that was previously available in WoW has returned for a short while. Thursday Pokémon Unite had its second anniversary.

Right, let’s get this guff out the way so I can go back to my everyday activity, eating ice cream early in the morning and thinking about lesbians while laying in the sun boiling to death. Don’t expect me to be positive at all this week for the double-bill on the Epic Games Store, as we’ll start off with my usual rant. If your game is free-to-play and looks like a cheap Unity asset flip MMO aimed at a market with very little spending money, then don’t tell me you are offering something “worth $100 value.” Shop Titans can climb in the bin it shuffled out of in the first place. It is only valued at that because the developer is evil and shouldn’t be allowed near a game creation engine again.

The second game available this week is Tannenberg, a historical war set on the eastern front in a battle between Germans and Russians. That’s a decision that’s about as attractive as clutching an MK2 between your bum cheeks and hoping to hold the lever in place. It’s also as attractive as taking the pin out, hitting it with your gentleman’s sausage, and hoping it gets far enough away not to make you resemble flying mince.

The truth is, while Tannenberg attempts to offer glimpses of nuanced silence in the continual artillery fire of similar shooters, neither of its two sides are sides I’m happy playing. Nor do I want to play the game in the first place. Much like every kid on a M.A.S.H table bleeding half to death, it is just another one to the surgeon that has seen this all before.

All this week, you can pick up Shop Titans‘ guff supposedly worth more than every triple-A game releasing next month, and Tannenberg for free on the Epic Games Store until the 28th of July. Sadly this means I have to muster some feigned enthusiasm for Lawn Mowing Simulator, which is very different from the Advanced Lawnmower Simulator that I’ll be talking about in my PowerWash Simulator review at some point soon. If I end up playing another Simulator soon, I think I am going to jack-in all this writing business and just start doing these jobs for real money instead.