Peter Capaldi, Alex Kingston, and Greg Davies? Is it Christmas? It was for “The Husbands of River Song” when I originally watched it. Of Peter’s few Christmas specials, it is the one that is near faultless. I’d give it a perfect 10 for that “it’s bigger on the inside” moment from Peter, which is simply magical in every way. However, Steven outdid himself in 2015 by finalizing the story of one of the most beloved companions in Doctor Who. He made it Christmassy, funny, and wholeheartedly wonderful. It is just a shame this is the beginning of Matt Lucas’ tenure.

“Finally… It’s my go.” It is just such a camp and wonderful episode. In fact, it is practically comparable to seeing all the presents under the tree, you just don’t know which one to open first. Things like the sonic trowel, Greg Davies being the perfect head in a bag, or the fact I think Phillip Rhys could have been replaced by a broom with a smiley face on it are all great. Not that Rhys is bad, he is acceptable, and his character of Ramone is absolutely tasteless in all regards. His purpose is partially to blame, but neither the writing nor Rhys himself seem to have given the role much oomph.

While I’m on the complaint cruse to the Andromeda galaxy, Matt Lucas is always a strenuous case of not looking at some of his past. He has a few stains, such as a disabled character that was played as dumb and lazy, a homophobic gay character, a fatphobic faux-Weight Watchers instructor, and the number of times he employed Blackface for characters in sketch shows throughout the 2000s. Sure, he and his “comedy” (if you could call it that) partner have apologized, nevertheless, it is something that hangs over him every moment I see him in anything. It’s a shame, given Nardole can provide a moment or two of reasonable interest.

Anyway, the episode is impossible to discuss without bringing up the very best and lovely bits or my needless contempt for seeing Matt Lucas and instantly thinking of all his Al Jolson impressions. King Hydroflax is such a wonderfully over-the-top character, exemplified by the knowledge that Greg Davies is already a massive and imposing man but was CGI’d into the huge mecha suit that is Hydroflax’s body. The body itself has a more imposing voice than Davies himself, with Nonso Anozie doing his best Redd Pepper impression. Every bit of it is heightens the fun Christmas sci-fi of it all.

The truth is, the story isn’t about Hydroflax, Nardole, or any of the extra cast. It is a love story between the Doctor and River, finally closing out her arc. Done in such a beautiful way, where he knows and has loved her for three regenerations by this point. However, she has seen twelve faces. She knows the Doctor and Matt Smith was the final one. We’ve seen the point where she knew that face, we’ve seen her after this moment and all the fantastic and wonderful things they’ve done for each other in books, audios, or even the show. The next stop for her is with Tennant in a library. It’s that moment she realizes that is a pitch-perfect moment by Kingston in every way.

“This is where genocide comes to kick back and relax,” even when she’s being everything the Doctor disagrees with, River is still the most loveable human. As detestable as the line would be coming out of anyone else, Steven Moffat knew exactly how to flip that on its head with the very next scene being about the length of River’s diary. Of course, it’s nearly full, and: “The man who gave me this was the sort of man who’d know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.” From genocide to tears in a little over a moment, that’s why Steven Moffat was fantastic.

The heartbreak that is painted across Peter’s face as she states plainly that she believes that neither he nor any Doctor has loved her. She loves him but it is a one-way street. “Hello, sweety,” captured with such heart and beauty, accompanied by one of Murray Gold’s most exquisite yet simple soundtracks. “The Husbands of River Song” is crystalized magnificence distilled over nearly ten years, and every single time I come away with a tear in my eye because of just how perfect everything is. I didn’t need Half-Life‘s head crabs or Santa to make it Christmas. I just need a story where they both lived happily.

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Doctor Who "The Husbands of River Song"

10

Score

10.0/10

Pros

• "Finally... It's my go." Is a great line
• "You don't expect a sunset to admire you back."
• Such a wholesome episode, that includes mention of genocide.
• Greg Davies as King Hydroflax.

Cons

• Ramone is a bit of a dud character.
• Seeing Matt Lucas is still uncmofortable.