Well then, how is that for your money’s worth? Tony Curran is back as the very tormented Van Gogh, Ian McNeice is back as Churchill, and Sophie Okonedo is back as the fantastic Liz “I’m the bloody Queen mate!” Ten. However, let’s not forget my first love and the woman I would go back to read the first words of every time, Alex Kingston back as River Song, but not the River Song we last saw, as she’s yet to meet the 11th and fight the Angels. Though that’s just the lovely (-ish) people we are meant to care about and enjoy.

You have your Roman Legion (the “invasion of the hot Italians”) standing about looking hot and Italian. There is the Tin Man’s angry cousins, Nazi dustbins from space, the space potatoes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Terileptils), the Raxacoricofallapatorians, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (Chelonian), your brother’s favorite toy (Nestene), Swedish women (Drahvin), Clyde (Sycorax), I’m just a sucker for you (Zygon), the all-seeing snowflake (the Atraxi/”Twitter”), granddad (Draconian), space rhinos, and more. Now only if Amy had a man, a really dim-witted and loveable man that she would kill herself, the Doctor, and her unborn dream child to get out of a nightmare. Only if!

I’m not even done setting up how fantastic the episode is, because that “I am talking!” speech is out of this world. It is about 150-words in length, childish as all hell, and you want to know something? It is pitch perfect for Doctor Who. Honestly, this climax of a series that’s had its ups and downs is so close to perfection that it makes me slightly sad I’m going to knock a little bit off for the dismount of the second part.

Okay, I get it. Moffat is the greatest thing that has ever been, or if you are coming from 2013 Tumblr, he’s the worst thing that’s ever been. However, it is a brilliantly energetic and fun story that is sci-fi enough for the adventure aspect. It features enough of a time travel bend that you could put the TARDIS in the bin for an episode or two and it wraps up a quality series of Who. If I wasn’t instantly put off with that first episode with Smith and Moffat years ago, I’d have loved this series and gone on through until Clara cropped up. Then I’d have probably shot myself in the face.

The panic of the hundreds and thousands of aliens over Stonehenge, that fantastic speech, and every astonishing line Moffat jams in to make the taste of the episode pop in your mouth are all brilliant. The slow but energetic bubble raises as we get to the ending of part one, “The Pandorica Opens” is great. River is locked away in the T.A.R.D.I.S which is causing all the stars in the universe to explode, thus every enemy of the Doctor creates the Pandorica to imprison him alone, all built from Amy’s memories. Her love of Pandora’s Box, the invasion of the hot Italians, and Rory. Oh, Rory is back!

Well, I say he’s back. He’s plastic controlled by the Nestene Consciousness dressed as a Roman because of a Christmas party photo the villains found when finding all of Amy’s memories. I should probably clear this up for my editor to get this straight: The Pandorica is opening in the second century, River is exploding the T.A.R.D.I.S in 2010, and the only one to stop the T.A.R.D.I.S exploding and causing the stars in the night sky to go out is being put in the Pandorica as a prison.

Look, I know I am about to do it so, let’s jump into it. The crack in the wall concept with Amy, it is a bit crap and the reason Moffat is really annoying when it comes to characters. I said it when Donna was the most fantastic thing in the universe and I’ll say it again here, this is stupid. Yes, it is a sci-fi show and yes there are meant to be special little elements to the show that make it fantastical in several ways that make you love it for being unlike anything else. However, having everyone be special isn’t being unlike other shows/film.

I’m about to do something that will shock those that know me and reference Joanne’s piece of absolute tripe. I understand why some like Harry Potter. However, none of those I’ve ever spoken to love the fact he’s always predestined to be aligned (spoilers!) with Mr. Melty Nose, no one. So when Doctor Who makes a big deal out of predestined X and “I was always meant to do Y,” I’ve already started digging your grave. It doesn’t have to be in Doctor Who. Anything that claims to be predestined makes me immediately lose interest because it is trite. It is nothing more than a wave of the hand, a cop-out.

I’ve got a feeling some of you are pinching the bridge of your nose and muttering “when he gets to Clara this is all it is going to be, isn’t it?” Maybe, but that’s for another time. Let’s talk about Amy and Rory, because Moffat can’t help but plop a bit of a fantasy cop-out rabbit from his hat. I love both companions. They have some fantastic episodes, they make for a brilliant dynamic both with and without the Doctor, but I want to bang my head off my desk sometimes.

“The Pandorica Opens” ends with the Doctor being dragged kicking and screaming like a 70’s geography teacher into Pandorica. “The Big Bang” starts with little Amy opening the Pandorica in the national Museum following instructions from a geography teacher in a fez. She finds Amelia Jessica Pond… the big one, the blue one as some of you might know her. Yeah, Moffat-y time travel does get a bit mental and hurt your head.

Rory (plastic Rory) tried to kill Amy, the Doctor was trapped in the Pandorica but a geography teacher in a fez and wielding a mop, told him to put her in the Pandorica and protect her. A hopeless romantic (which I’d argue I might be) would say that the story of the Rory that waited (Ok, “the boy who waited”) for 2,000 years, protecting Amy, was just lovely. Though, I don’t see what it is adding other than the fact Rory 100% isn’t human and therefore can’t really die or do much that should make me care all that much. Instead, Moffat’s other problem crops up where from here on out, it’s “Oh, Rory died!”

I do think the fun vortex manipulator time travel jokes of the Doctor zipping in and out are fun, especially with him calling it a “dirty way” to time travel (harking back to Harkness). You have to love the “Hi honey, I’m home” bit, it is wonderful. Let’s not forget “It’s a fez, I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool!” Then there is the only good thing about having a Dalek this episode chasing the team around, “you will show mercy, you are an associate of the Doctor’s.” River then says while loading her gun “I’m River Song, check your records again,” capping it off with the Dalek begging for mercy. I love it.

Though, let’s get to the 2,000-year-old space Nazi from hell. Can we just, at least for a little while, stop using them? During Matt Smith’s entire run we don’t get a single Master episode, not one. I’m sure we could have spared a series or two without Hitler’s dustbin having a pop. What it does do is just give us something to chase our leads about the museum. It is nothing more than tension building, so why not something else? The Candyman, for all the use it is. Yes, I know it would undercut the moments, but that’s my point, anything else could have been there and done mostly the same job.

I’m also not a fan of the “flying the big box-thing into the heart of the exploding T.A.R.D.I.S.” moment, all it does is put a bit of Ronseal over all the cracks in Amy’s walls. It wraps up the crack-in-the-wall special-ness of this series, but it is lacking something for me to honestly feel satisfied. It is nice and done well(-ish), but I dislike this “you are the most important X in the universe.” This time it is just “thing,” with Donna it was “woman,” with Clara it is “impossible girl,” and none of it is interesting or important.

That said, when all the fantasy and light sci-fi is said and done, after he goes back in the 11th Doctor’s time stream, and it is all wrapped up, it is an alright episode. It is a rather “meh” second episode to a double bill, but it is hard to follow up such a fun and frantic episode with something trying to wrap up such a chaotic series. Though, that isn’t the end of the story for the daft old man that stole the box; something that’s old and new, something borrowed, and yet something blue.

What really saves the ending to “The Big Bang” is Amy and Rory’s wedding. You need something old, something new, something borrowed, and something a lovely bit of blue. What’s a wedding without a raggedy man? A raggedy man in a blue box that does the Drunk Giraffe. I wouldn’t have a wedding any other way! I love that return, celebration, and the little conversation with River before she walks off again. As much I do have dislikes for the flashy fairytale bits, the ending somewhat saves a lot of it for the fun and adventure of it all.

Anyway, is anyone up for a Christmas Carol next week? I am!

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Dr Who "The Pandorica Opens" & "The Big Bang"

8.5

Score

8.5/10

Pros

• Fezzes are cool!
• Brilliant energetic pacing in the first part.
• Everyone loves the Drunk Giraffe.

Cons

• Fairytale nonsense serving nothing overall.
• A needless Dalek episode.
• Part 2 just loses a lot of energy.