Roll up, roll up for the Magical Nostalgia tour! Three guineas, twelve shillings, and one angel for a single adult. Kids get bored to death for free. Oops, that gives away the game, if my near disdain of Chris Chibnall wasn’t apparent before. I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting much; Nothing that would blow me away, at least.

I was right to set my sights low though. At least then, all that would need to be done is the bare minimum. Yet, somehow we can’t just move on. The best thing the Doctor could have done is turn and say, “right! Well, that was a thing,” rub her hands together, and on we go for an adventure ignoring it. Instead, we’re perched right up the anus of “The Timeless Children,” as if it actually changed anything. It didn’t. Much like a majority of Wonder Woman ’84, it is fine escapism if you turn your brain off. However, if you switch back on again for even a moment, you’ll realize what’s wrong: nothing changes, and it is just poor writing in the end.

Sadly, we’re here again with “Revolution of the Daleks,” a bland but flashy piece of drama with nothing changing or happening at all from start to finish. If this were a two-way conversation, I’d happily ask: Can you remember a single thing that happened? Oh, Grace turned up for a brief moment and gave Ryan and Graham a moment that wasn’t needed. The “aren’t our lives better the Black lady died/closer” scene. I think that’s my biggest problem with this. It is something I’ve said of Hideo Kojima for a while: Chibnall needs an editor. He’s not filling the time suitably, and the episode could have used a good 10-15 minutes cut from it.

Too much of this big climactic resolution to a horrid year filled with uncertainty and nothing but bile and hatred, was capped off with a fun adventure show reveling in its own excrement. A time to move on and feel happy about life is anchored to the ground by poor writing, a lack of ambition, and a world that echoes dystopian nightmares that so many have had too often in recent times. The sad thing is, when it tried to lift things up, it was once again swimming in the fishbowl year after year, running over the same old ground. Did we need to know about Torchwood? Did we need to see the Pting? Why did we need The Silence? Why did we need the Weeping angel, Ood, Sycorax?

I’ll tell you why: This entire venture is staked on a creatively bankrupt sci-fi writer who doesn’t like sci-fi. We’re stuck in glory-years and Doctor Who‘s porn parody (Torchwood) because it is what makes a small number of uselessly nostalgic po-faced “fans” happy. At least we assume so, their face hasn’t changed since the skin was dripping from their bones as little creatures ate their rotting corpse. At worst, it was ineffectual dribbling down the legacy of a fun and adventurous show. At best, it is boring and was immediately forgotten about by a majority of the viewership.

Even the meager bits of new-Who that are part of this Doctor’s life are trite in places. Yes, I am talking about the agent Orange wannabe, Jack Robertson, because when you need an evil-businessman it just has to be a Trump-analogue. Seemingly that’s a rule now in entertainment, reduce someone you have siding with processed Nazism and call them a dangerous clown and nothing more. It is a deflated version of what Russell T Davies could have done with it, and yet, he is the best thing about the episode.

I think that’s the problem with Chris Chibnall working as high on Doctor Who: he doesn’t like Doctor Who. He likes three seasons of Classic-Who, when Tom Baker was running about in the second control room, but he doesn’t care about the almost 60-years of the show. At least, he doesn’t act like it. I’d go as far as to say he doesn’t know how to write an episode of TV, nevermind this one show about a character that is good and goes on adventures to prove that. He simply doesn’t know how to tie things together. Jack is back! That alien from the distant future who can time-travel, has a gap in his memory of his origins, and gets on with life for the adventure. The Doctor on the other hand is an alien from an advanced race of humanoids who can time-travel, has a lapse in her memory of her origins, and wallows in self-pity.

Yas! The Dalek drones of the episode are supposed to be authority figures on the wrong side of the law, armed for riots and protests (prophetic, isn’t it?). Right on the money for the 2020s Chris, good on you for getting this done before March 2020, but you forgot something. Yas, someone who was/is a police officer and sees all of this tin-can tyranny and knows it’s bad, doesn’t say a word. Tie this together, make her the good one. Show that the Daleks are bad and bish bash bosh, you have yourself a good parallel using the characters in your main cast. This is storytelling 101, but no, we’re exposited to death about Ryan’s yellow hat.

The problem isn’t JUST Chibnall, but he’s the one leading the ship. He’s the one where the ax falls when (inevitably) this show is canceled just before its 60th. No one looked at the details, no one on staff got a pass at the script or the final edit and said: The “get rid of ’em boys” line doesn’t work if they are just walking away in the next scene. No one seems to have thought about the pieces of the puzzle. If they moderately link in anyway then that’s it, time to move on apparently.

The escape from the prison, the one that the Doctor had resigned herself to and didn’t push back against when Jack offered an escape. The second she drops out of the TARDIS, that’s that entire plotline dropped. How long was she in there for? Doesn’t matter because Yas wants high school drama. Does Yas care how the Doctor feels? No, because she’s had 10-months without the Doctor and she did nothing to help her. She walked up to one guy and asked him about Daleks. He shrugged and called for his men with guns to kill her and friends, and then walked away unharmed. Martha Jones, the most lovely human being ever, walked the planet telling a story just to save the Doctor.

Let’s go a step further. Let’s go to Clara, who went through the timeline of the Doctor to save his 11th generation. I hate Clara but (at the very least) she did have a good episode with a touch of character somewhere in her. Yas and Ryan have had nothing, did nothing, and neither of them changed one iota. Ok, the only (tiniest) bit of change to Yas has been her obsessive nature. It shows in her stupidly childish conflict with the Doctor for being gone for 10-months. March was 9-months ago, and many of us around the world who understands there is a plague ravishing-humanity, haven’t been out in that time. 10-months is nothing, you irrelevant and stupid human.

I’m going to take this to the realistically dark place it seems to be going. It seems like she’s going to end herself at the end of the next series. We had that moment where she was running away without any bags from the last series; that’s where this is pointing towards if there is indeed a storyline being drawn-out here. She’ll be found either with a chair on its side or a tap/showerhead still dripping with soap opera-style “emotion robots must activate” music, and a vocal that’s got a little too much reverb to it. Of course, there will be the big swell of “empowerment” as the ambulance drives away and we get another overtly gay character played for tragedy.

Let’s also get this nitpick out the way: As soon as we get the two men out the way (bye Ryan), one of which is the best character (bye Graham, love you), we have to add someone else. Look, I’m not the biggest fan of John Bishop, and I’ll admit I’m not excited for him becoming a new companion, but why do we need him? For the last two series The Doctor has been a passenger to the story, not the driver. Part of that is down to the companions. We had far too many companions for the Doctor to do anything, cutting that down to one would give the show an ability to focus and grow character. However, as soon as we’re set to get an all-female-led TARDIS team of just two, we have to add another old white guy.

I’ve got nothing against old white men, aside from the obvious. What I don’t like is knowing that’s who Chibnall is writing for, that’s who’s going to take the limelight, and that’s who’s going get the triumphant or humorous moments. How do I know this? Graham, the shining light, good man, and only redeemable character in the last two series (including The Doctor) is an old white man. Again, I’m not against the character. We know nothing about him, but the question has to be asked: Why? Why are we getting rid of two to add one and make two again? Why is Ryan off to “spend time with my mates” then suddenly jet-setting to Finland and Korea? That’s what I think doesn’t make sense.

Can we talk about the worst Doctor? I love Jodie and I’ll happily say she’s brilliant, but 13 is the worst Doctor. Twice now, the Doctor has called upon Nazis to solve her problems. She is meant to be good, the ultimate good, and twice she’s used the ultimate evil to serve her better interest. What about this makes her any better than the villainous Thatcher/May-analogue, i.e the cold-heartless conservative of the 80s, when she’s doing the exact same? Yes, one had a conversation akin to a baby talking about tax policy, but both used the ultimate evil.

Here is another question, why did the clone/riot Daleks have front flaps on them? There was nothing inside, and if you wanted to get inside, surely removing the head/chest section altogether would be better. A better question, why was Thatcher/May’s speech given such triumphant and inspiring music? Ya know, the speech that was very nationalist, leading to the space Nazi reveal, and stunk of authoritarian populism? Don’t Daleks, for a race of mutated clones, care a lot about racial purity? The fourth (and final) question on the portrayal of the Daleks in this episode: Why was it “S.A.S Dalek?” You are already playing with it, just say S.S Daleks. 

What was with that TARDIS (a time machine) taking “four minutes to Osaka?” Why did the faux-TARDIS used to trick the Daleks have the Doctor’s interior? Also what happened to the established rules of a TARDIS destruction (i.e Supernova)? Fiona McAllister, script editor of this complete mess, why did you get the line “Seriously? And how do you feel about that?” into the script? Chibnall is a useless waste of pen-ink, electricity used for computers, and a waste of every human being’s time.

In conclusion, I cannot wait for the BBC to give Chibnall the same fate as some of those in the monarchy, which they hold dear: Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. There are only six sides of a dice, which one is it?

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Doctor Who "Revolution Of The Daleks"

2.5

Score

2.5/10

Pros

• Noth's Robertson at least knew he was in an episode of Doctor Who.
• S.S Daleks almost touching tips.

Cons

• Scribblings in poo for writing.
• High school melodrama!
• Needlessly adding Bishop as a companion.