Boof, and the planet is gone. I’m not sure that is what Barry Scott was on about with his useless cleaning product. Either that, or he’s one of those little green men Wilf is on about all the time. The last episode of the year, the one before we take a break to see Chibnall’s Nazi dustbin nonsense at New Years’, again. I love a good special, and this was a “throw everything at the wall” kind of special. It included guest stars such as Jason Mohammad, the ever wonderful Paul O’Grady, and the less fantastic Richard Dawkins. Then there are the returns and spin-offs: Gwen, Luke, Ianto, Mr. Smith, Sarah Jane, Jack, Martha, and Rose, and that’s just the first part.

As much glee as I can have over the grand nature of “The Stolen Earth” and “Journey’s End,” I bloody hate all this pre-defined destiny nonsense. Yes, it is another one of those episodes where I get to moan about companions and I get to moan about Donna specifically. Although I have to say, the episode outside of the predestined rubbish is big, bombastic, and fun. It is the Doctor-Donna bit that really gets me. It is the annoying “you are special” crap that I spoke about last time.

There is more to come of course, but this is why it is just sad. Those final moments, the discussion between the Doctor, Wilf, and Sylvia, another moment brought together by the fantastic Bernard Cribbins, “but she was better with you.” I still bloody-well hate Sylvia, she is a horrid horrid woman who just can’t let her daughter be happy or enjoy anything. I can’t stand her. Though, in a story filled with so many wonderful characters, she’s easy to ignore. Well, aside from Wilf being asked if the family laptop has a webcam and him replying “No, she wouldn’t let me. She said they’re naughty.” I was on the floor!

Something Davies did well with “The Stolen Earth” is bleed characters in one by one. It doesn’t feel like as much of a dump as it should. Each, including former prime minister Harriet Jones (yes, we know who you are), brilliantly build to the moment I was half waiting for. The arrival of Ace, Benny, Mel, Tegan, Adric, Romana (both of them), or the Brigadier. Yes, I do know that is stupid. I’ve seen the entire story several times, yet it is just so well done. I’ve been enjoying the Big Finish and the novels so much, that for a moment my guard dropped and I was just there enjoying it.

I would say something stupid like “if Davies was given the budget, we’d get this all the time” but that’s not the point. The reason this story and this grand, ostentatious climax works so well is what Doctor Who does best. The same thing that would have it killed by the end of the second episode in America. Sometimes, Doctor Who is just a bit crap. I say that enjoying a majority of this series, but there are just those episodes that didn’t work out to feel this good. I’m looking at “The Unicorn and the Wasp,” “The Fires of Pompeii,” and to a lesser extent, “Midnight.”

Even here, there are bits that fall on the floor with the sound of pink elephant-like people on the moon. Oh yeah, we’re closing out the year with the best Clangers joke you’ve probably heard all year, that’s where we’re at. Moments such as Ianto laughing at Paul O’Grady the same way a serial killer chuckles before tucking in for dinner (among other points) just don’t sit well with the overall tone of the rest of the story. It is on the face of it quite bleak and an undertone of darkness only upside-down space Nazi dustbins can be.

Having them yelling across forests in German to Germans, “Stop! Or you will be exterminated. You are prisoners of the Daleks!” is hilariously ironic. Let me underline what I call them, upside-down space NAZI dustbins, and they are rounding up Germans. That takes some mighty big etheric beam locators. The odd thing is, that’s the entire episode in-a-nutshell. A series of big swinging risks that end up as either good or bad with very few moments in between. One minute you’ll have Donna being told she’s special by the Doctor with one heart, the next you’ll have Davros back. Oh! Also, Davros is back; for my editor, think zombie Hitler but with a bit too much of a suntan.

Speaking of authoritarian sociopaths whose parents should have been castrated at birth, I love an episode with the Judoon. As the first time we’ve actually been inside the shadow proclamation, we discover it is just filled with a bunch of Tilda Swinton cosplayers dressed in black. Like everyone else, they are warmongering psychopaths unable to do the one thing they’ll have to do in the end, “sit down and talk.” It is these Martha and U.N.I.T moments that make me question her character. She is following orders when they should be questioned at the very least.

The whole Osterhagen key, what a load of Poosh that was. Most of the second part was just that, a whole lot of standing about doing nothing productive other than listening to a xenophobe that is so stupid he forgot to put on factor 5000 before entering a war. This is where I think it begins to falter: The grand spectacle that is the crossover between Sarah Jane Adventures (an alright spin-off), Torchwood (Kill it, kill it now!), and Doctor Who‘s new-era all collapsing in on itself is fantastic. However, the moment we have to think about wrapping things and moving on, it is like taking a swan dive at a concrete slab.

I’ll try to walk through this slowly so my editor doesn’t yell at me something akin to “this whole Doctor/Time Lord business is too confusing”; There are three Time Lord. Only one of them is an actual Time Lord. Tennant in brown is The Doctor, Tennant in blue is the Doctor if he was the worst of all beings, and Donna through space magic is also a human-Time Lord hybrid that I’d shoot in the head. I hate guns (I must have two hearts), but it is them or me. No, you don’t get to choose which one it is. Though the space magic, Doctor-Donna gets the brain of the Doctor, which takes us back to the brown Doctor’s conversation with Wilf and his heartless daughter.

I’ve said it time and time again. Don’t make a human special just so you can pretend anyone can be anything. That’s is the Doctor’s job in this show: A single being able to stab up to a whole empire of Daleks. Yes, I know the anal-retentive of you will say, “Well, actually…” and run off Davros’ speech about companions being nothing more than weapons. However, if that’s true, the point was that the Doctor was the one that created these so-called “weapons” that once again, it falls on him. In short: Stop that!

“The Stolen Earth” is a brilliantly fantastic piece of near perfection, though “Journey’s End” is a dead weight that the former is pulling around. I don’t think I could add much beyond what has already been said on the episode and story. In a perfect world, I’d be able to reward one and ignore the other. Part one is brilliant fun, but part 2 is only held together with Cribbins being the best part of Donna’s years.

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Dr Who "The Stolen Earth" & "Journey's End"

8.5

Score

8.5/10

Pros

• Bernard Cribbins/Wilfred is just the best.
• I'll never reject a good bit of Davros.
• We know who you are!
• I love a bit of the Judoon!
• Great big fun crossover episode.

Cons

• Donna being told "You are special!"
• Could we have Martha not on the side of stupid?
• We should just set fire to Torchwood.