This week I watched the love story that included Dobby and the killer pensioners, not because I’m that far ahead with watching and drafting notes for these reviews, because I wanted to. I wanted to because I often think of that episode of Doctor Who with fondness. It is sci-fi, dark, lovely, beautiful, and it is one of the best-written episodes. Sadly, the writer Simon Nye never wrote for Doctor Who again. The same can’t be said for Gareth Roberts, who goes on to write another episode I don’t like next series, and let’s not talk about “The Caretaker.”

“The Shakespeare Code” is another one of those episodes I just don’t care about as a result of my inherent aversion to supernatural nonsense. What probably doesn’t help is how much of a ponce Shakespeare was and is in the episode. There is a useless waste of time pontificating about nothing other than one’s own belly button. That and the covenant of dull witches of Aberystwyth. Thinking back upon the episode, much like I did with “Amy’s Choice,” I never think of a single moment that I enjoy or think was done well.

There is only one thing that stands out going back now, that I never noticed as a child; the oneliners and special little companion moments: “I’m not going to get carted off as a slave, am I? […] Not exactly white, in case you haven’t noticed.” Otherwise, it is your standard historical episode of Doctor Who. It follows a historical character, something supernatural tries to ruin the life of said historical character. Then we try to show the upsides of said character and don’t focus on the companion too much. The Doctor saves the day by guiding the historical character, and the companion thinks he’s a hero. There are little bits outside the normal conventions of Who, but for the most part, that’s it.

After about ten minutes I wanted to headbutt Shakespeare. He’s that brand of historical character that is looked upon with great admiration and he’s written as if he knows it. Meanwhile, the witches are cartoonishly Scooby Doo-like. They come off as less of a threat and more a contrived inconvenience to save the ponce. It is 1599, the fact he wasn’t dead at 15 with dysentery, three kids, and thirteen wives means he’s had a good life. An ever so slightly brief one by today’s standards, but at the very least he’ll be remembered for making up complete and utter nonsense. You do that now and you’re likely to get sectioned under the mental health act.

Speaking of that, often the episode could be compared to “Vincent And The Doctor,” yet for some stupid reason, idiots think “The Shakespeare Code” is somehow the better one. Some claim that the alien monster tormenting Vincent is lacking a bite that the witches of Aberystwyth apparently have. The point of Van Gogh’s depiction and the entire episode is not the monster tormenting him, it is in fact a side plot, the point of the episode is his mental health that will not recover. It is the ultimate villain that can not be beaten.

Some witches tormenting a cheery and happy ponce with nothing redeemable about him isn’t an episode I’m going to enjoy. I don’t want him to be a tortured artist, I don’t think it would make for much of a difference, and I don’t think if the episode was much darker I’d like it either. It is the catalog of busy little bits building the episode that culminates in the displeasure of watching it every time. It is the setting, the character, the villains, the actors, and the world as a whole. I just don’t like it because it is a filler episode. It does the bare minimum with the usual fixtures and doesn’t leave me wanting more of it.

I could list several episodes and point at them, wanting more. I want to know more about Raxacoricofallapatorians, I want more episodes like “Dalek,” I want to know more about Jamie and Nancy, and I want to see more of Madame de Pompadour. I want more space rhinos, I want to vote Saxon, I love the Ood, I love the design of the Ironside, I adore Vincent, and I can’t wait for the Weeping Angels. I also can’t wait for the Silence, the Vashta Nerada, killing Hitler, “The Rings of Akhaten,” and Tim Shaw, just to name a few. One of the many things I never want to do, along with never meeting Oswin or Clara Oswald, is that I never want to come back to 1599 and talk to Billy Shakespeare.

When I tried to watch this series early this year, I fell asleep within minutes of this episode starting. I am forever bored with it. I don’t want to go on for too long saying the same thing over and over again, but I just don’t like anything particular in the episode. I do enjoy Freema Agyeman’s Martha and that Christina Cole gave Lilith life, but that feels like the bare minimum that should be expected. Anyway, onto New New York next week to talk to a telepathic face of a million-year-old creature that’s dying. Well, that’s cheery!

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Doctor Who "The Shakespeare Code"

0.00

5

Score

5.0/10

Pros

• Some good oneliners.
• Agyeman and Cole's performances

Cons

• Shakespeare is just annoying.
• The Witches aren't much of villain.