A Small Discussion about Cunning Linguistics

In the ever-changing world we live in, I’ve seen a lot of people nickel-and-dime each other (for lack of a better phrase) about specific terms they use. I’m not specifically discussing the idea of personal pronouns or political correctness here. This isn’t a partisan issue. Moreover, I want to discuss the terms we use for ourselves, for other people, and how we treat one another.

Terminology, like language, changes, and evolves over time. When I was a teenager, there wasn’t discourse about pronouns. I graduated in 2012. Let that sink in for a moment. In 8 years, the way we talk to each other, the way we identify with ourselves, and the way we see ourselves, has shifted. This is a good thing, it means that as people we are growing and changing.

A lot of people get caught up in the words they like or dislike. I’m not talking about slurs such as the N-word either. I’m talking about things such as Queer, Intersex, Transgender, Hermaphrodite, Black, African-American, Latino/Latina, Latinx, and so on and so forth. I won’t speak about experiences that aren’t mine, because I don’t know everything about this subject.

In every community, there is at least one term that is divisive. Some people rally behind it and find comfort and safety within it. Some people detest that term for various reasons. Perhaps its cultural origin is derogatory or perhaps there is a secondary meaning that makes it undesirable. In truth, we’ve lost sight of something that we should all be focused on: The Golden Rule.

Treat others the way you wish to be treated. It sounds simple, but if I had a dollar for every person I’ve interacted with that has ignored, forgotten, or disregarded that rule, I’d be a very rich man. I’m sure you can say the same in your life as well. Personally, growing up in the South, I don’t particularly like the word Queer. Why? Because in my youth it was used in a derogatory fashion and because of that, it puts a poor taste in my mouth.

However, as I grow older I realize that it isn’t about me. There are people in this world who celebrate the word Queer for all sorts of reasons. They feel more comfortable using that term for themselves and perhaps that term empowers them to be their best selves. If that is the case, who am I to judge? Just because I don’t identify with that term myself doesn’t mean no one else should either.

I have talked to many people in the Black/African-American community in recent years and months, and I’ve gotten two separate schools of thought for how they wish to be referred. In large part, many of them identify with the term Black. They see themselves as Americans, not “African-Americans” because they were raised here. Their parents were raised here and perhaps their African ancestry is so far back that they just don’t feel quite so connected to it. I don’t have their experiences, so I won’t try to assume how that feels or the meaning behind it, but I’ve talked to people who feel the opposite.

I’ve spoken to people that feel as though their African heritage is a part of them and they don’t want to separate themselves from that. Regardless of which side of the divide they are on, both sets of reasoning should be discussed and valued as an integral part of the conversation. To circle back to the LGBT community that I am a part of, it isn’t my place to dictate how other people see themselves, or what terms they use for themselves.

Part of The Golden Rule is accepting that if someone refers to themselves with They/Them, He/Him, or She/Her pronouns, that is a choice they make for themselves. If they want me to do the same, I should simply consent to that and move on. They have made their expectations of how they wish to be treated clear. If I want to be treated respectfully, I should respect their wishes in kind.

As a disabled man, this also comes into play when questions of how I am to be referred to come into play. I am only three foot five inches tall. People might ask if I am a dwarf, but I do not have dwarfism so technically that’s not accurate. This isn’t them trying to water down the issue, it is due to a lack of knowledge.

I know that likely the next words to come to your mind are Little Person, Midget, and possibly Cripple. In conversations, if my disability or size comes up at all (which it rarely does) I usually prefer to be referred to as a disabled man. In terms of size, I prefer little person. Do I begrudge being called a midget if the person is unaware of what I prefer to be called? No.

In fact, in terms of disability, there is a bit of grey area. In many cases, other disabled people can’t even agree on how the community should be referred, because all of our experiences are different. I was born with my disability, therefore I was not crippled in an accident or something of that description. It also comes down to the intent of the person that is speaking to me.

If someone was to call me a cripple out of malice, I would likely not be pleased. If someone is ignorant of the proper term and says something like, “What is it like being a cripple?” without any malice intended, that’s a different story. It is a teachable moment, where I can sit with them and explain. Of course, I’ve heard many people that were disabled say, “I shouldn’t have to educate everyone I meet, they aren’t entitled to an answer” and to that I say that while it is exhausting at times, it is the only way we’re ever going to get to a place of mutual understanding.

Granted, there is a difference between someone asking a question out of curiosity or lack of knowledge, and someone asking a question they could easily Google to try and bait you into responding defensively. That methodology is often used to “prove” to others that disabled people, people of color, or LGBT people are argumentative, thereby reinforcing bigoted ideology.

I have to give credit to our very own Zoe here, as she gave me the term for this. This action is known as Sealion-ing and is one of the biggest reasons that people get burnt out when it comes to educating others. Fatigue is an issue here and I can understand the reason people don’t want to answer questions. It is easy to understand, but it is also way too easy to assume that every question you receive is a result of that very same tactic, which isn’t fair.

We have to be willing to listen to one another in good faith and educate one another. This is true regardless of whether we are in the LGBT community, are disabled, or are a part of any other group that has specific terms for each other or ourselves. We have to be willing to have open minds and show other people the way when they show a genuine desire to learn. Maybe the person that asks me what it is like “to be a cripple” doesn’t have an elderly family member that can’t walk anymore. Maybe that person doesn’t know anyone that is disabled or wasn’t raised around disabled people.

Sometimes, we get so accustomed to our own patterns of language and knowledge, that we forget the things we have known and understood for years aren’t always common knowledge. Even if these things should be common to everyone, sometimes reality doesn’t mimic that at all. Someone genuinely looking for answers, may get proverbially bitten because a question they asked out of a lack of knowledge seems “problematic.”

No one is obligated to repeatedly explain their identity, especially to people who approach the conversation in bad faith. However, if you react defensively to someone with a genuine desire to learn, you are teaching them to fear putting themselves out there. You are teaching them to fear asking questions out of worry that they will offend someone.

If you feel drained by educating people and doing what you can to fight the good fight, go easy on yourself. Find some sort of middle ground that lets you educate or respond without expending all of your energy. If you feel threatened, remove yourself from the situation and try to regroup. Vent to trusted friends, vent to your family but try to temper your judgment of another person with clarity of where they’re coming from. Is it malice? Or is it ignorance?

Fear is the impediment of progress. Am I saying that you should give everyone carte blanche to call you or say whatever they like? No. I am saying that as humans we are capable of nuanced interaction. I am saying that language evolves and what you know a word to mean, may not be how someone else intends it. Day after day our slang and our culture shifts and changes. This is most evident on the internet, where a meme that arrives today may be outdated tomorrow.

Memes that were wholesome (or at the very least funny) when I was a teenager, are now being used for propaganda, white supremacy, antisemitism, and any number of other things. We should be constantly educating ourselves. Life is about growth, change, understanding, and if you allow yourself to stagnate, the world moves on without you.

I try to live my life with a very specific mindset. Follow The Golden Rule and if you know better, do better. As human beings, we’re all going to make mistakes. Mistakes may be made out of a lack of knowledge, out of a lack of understanding, out of jumping to conclusions, or any number of reasons. That in itself is why we should try to continue learning and understanding.

What does it matter to me if I have a friend that refers to themselves as queer? If that makes them happy, comfortable, or otherwise content then that is great for them. They’re not asking me to refer to myself that way, so what should it matter to me?

There are others who will inevitably ask, “Why do we need labels at all?” and to that, I will answer the only way I know how. When I was younger, new to the world, and barely even understanding myself, I found comfort in the term “gay” for myself. I knew I was interested in men romantically and sexually, and that word seemed to fit.

It gave me something to hold onto, to understand that there were other people out there like me. As I have gotten older, I can understand people who wonder why they need labels at all. If you don’t feel the need for them, then don’t use them. However, it is much easier to tell someone that asks that you’re gay, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc; than it is to go into a long-drawn-out explanation to someone you’ve just met or barely know.

Labels give people that need it a sense of belonging. Sometimes this world can be a lonely place, especially if you’ve not come out of the closet yet, or haven’t come to terms with yourself. Having something to hold onto, so you feel less alone, is very necessary. This is especially true when you consider the suicide rate of LGBT youth.

To summarize, treat others the way you wish to be treated. The English language grows, changes, and evolves, along with our values and ideals. Refer to yourself in the way that feels right to you and respect others when they do the same. Things are scary in the world right now, but now is the perfect time for these sorts of conversations.

Right now there is a lot going on. A more pointed spotlight is being turned on long-lasting, systemic acts of anti-black violence by police. COVID-19 is bringing up issues involving the rights of disabled people during a pandemic. These things, along with a certain author that I won’t name who is being transphobic, are just a few things cropping up in our world today. Trans issues, the rights of disabled people, mental health, Police Reform (in various forms), and other such issues are on a lot of people’s minds.

It is more important than ever that we try to find common ground. If we are constantly at each other’s throats within our own communities, these struggles will be lost before they even begin. Unity is hard, and we don’t have to agree with everything that every single person in our community says. We just need to try and have grace, understanding, and patience.

These conversations are important, even the hard ones. It is okay to take a day or more off of the internet for your own mental health. It is okay to take a step back, breathe, and regroup. Social Media is a minefield full of heavy topics, misinformation, discourse, and lots of people who just want to be right. So go easy on yourself, treat others the way you wish to be treated, and remember that life isn’t a sprint; it requires patience and caution.