Warning: The following video clips may contain strong language and scenes displaying of vulgar gestures.

Well, that was about as depressing, boring, and useless as telling a climate change denier that the waters are rising while they clutch a bible. I’ve never actually watched The Game Awards before, I just assumed they would be like an E3 show with useless awards that mean about as much as a politician’s promise between the games. It was so much worse than I ever thought it could be, and I wasn’t expecting much after that night during GamesCom, Jesus! I never want to see anything about Magic the Gathering again in my life. So let’s begin with the pre-show.

For about 30 minutes, that we assumed would be the start of the actual show, there was a pre-show with awards no one cares about. So let’s list them straight away:

• Best Community Support: Destiny 2 – Bungie
• Best Score: Death Stranding – Kojima Productions
• Best Esport Coach: “Zonic”
• Best Esport Event: League of Legends World Championship
• Best Esport Host: “Sjokz”
• Best Esport Team: G2 Esport
• Best Fighting Game: Super Smash Bros. Ultimate – Nintendo.

We’ll also point out that there are honorary awards sponsored by Facebook. These are, for the most part, awards made up to give lovely people involved with Facebook games something of a spotlight. The games and the people are genuinely wholesome and deserve a spotlight, however, Facebook trying to get in our good graces isn’t worth putting up with that.

However, there were some minor announcements among this pre-show nonsense including the reveal of Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3 getting new DLC. The X-Men Rise of the Phoenix DLC brings several characters from the series to the game, such as Cable, Iceman, Gambit, and the titular Phoenix.

Next up was Maneater, the shark game about eating men by Tripwire interactive. It is hard to describe the game further than that, it is made by the people who make The Killing Floor 2, and it is what it says on the tin. However, we do know that it will be releasing this coming May 22nd, 2020.

Humankind is, “Civilization? Never heard of it!” A gorgeous turn-based strategy that both David and I are highly looking forward to. This trailer (shown above) is mostly about the leaders being highly customizable and you will be bringing yourself as the leader throughout time. It is hardly an announcement worth a brass band and a parade, but I know I’m excited to see it when it releases.

Jesus Henry Christ! That’s his full name, did you know? He at least had an easier life than Suda51 has when it comes to explaining his madness, “Ya, there was a talking snake and Pokémon that’s made from my acid dreams.” It is Suda51 at his best making games that are stupid, fun, and make as much sense as a snake with a speech impediment.

Much like Natalie Imbruglia, I’m a little torn. I want to get into the Final Fantasy VII Remake, but this semi-Marvel or movie trailer style of editing to be funny grates on me. I can understand it being fan service for those that love Final Fantasy VII, though I’m in the minority and I need to be convinced at some point to buy it. Everyone who already loves the series has or will pre-order it by release, we know this. I want to know why I should want to play as Cloud Strife, which is the world’s funniest name.

That is the pre-show done with and let’s hammer through these million other announcements, reveals, showcases, and otherwise.

I have no idea what a CHVRCHES is or why I should care that it is in Death Stranding, I just popped a podcast on and ignored the music of the game. Whatever a CHVRCHES is, it opened the show with a Death Stranding backdrop. Of course, this was followed by a vertical slice of, “this is the games you know about.” I assume to get two keyboards and a singer off the stage.

So we’ll do a couple of awards before heading into the massive announcement that opened the show.

• Best Narrative: Disco Elysium – ZA/UM
• Best RPG: Disco Elysium – ZA/UM
• Best Esports Player: “Bugha“
• Best Audio Design: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare – Infinity Ward
• Best Strategy Game: Fire Emblem: Three Houses – Intelligent Systems

So the SEXBOX is a bit strange isn’t it? Formally known as Project Scarlett (yes, with an extra T) the Xbox: Series X just looks like a PC. A PC that we can refer to as the SEX BOX, just like the X-BONE before it. However, on a serious note, if Microsoft can defecate all the announcements of first-party launch IP onto that this coming E3, Sony will be running for the hills. One of the biggest issues of this last generation was the launch being about as weak as a manifesto of promises.

We know of the new Halo coming around the same time, one would assume on the launch, and we saw a trailer for the next Hellblade title. Senua’s Saga: Hellblade II, is an ambitious looking sequel looking to be about factions fighting, possibly as a metaphor for being mentally torn between opinions. We don’t know, as this was the first time we’ve seen the game and it looks great.

We’ll bundle the next couple of pieces together, as they are minor announcements, reveals, or showcases. The Joker is the new DLC coming to the world of Mortal Kombat 11, Asgard’s Wrath is an Oculus game, and Control has new content. As part of the December free update, Control‘s new “Expeditions” mode is a new game mode free to all players. Along with Expeditions this month, the first expansion “The Foundation” will release on the 26th of March, 2020.

We now have it confirmed in a trailer that the PS5 will be called the PS5, and that surprises no one. Much like the idea that a game called Godfall, by Duelyst developer Counterplay, is as over-designed as any Darksiders character would be on a night out. Published by Gearbox, it also wouldn’t surprise anyone that it is being labeled a “looter-slasher.” If you are a fan of Warframe, Darksiders, or Borderlands, this will be on your radar for some time. Though it has been confirmed in a post-reveal interview that it is a PS5 and Epic Games Store exclusive.

This is one I know Alexx is hyped for, at least to some degree. Next up is the reveal of Bravely Default 2, a sequel to the Square Enix 3DS title. It is Square Enix doing Square Enix at their best for fans. I don’t have much to say about it other than it is an RPG I know I likely won’t be touching myself.

Warframe‘s Empyrean expansion released.

The awards must be feeling cold out there, so let’s talk about them for a moment again.

• Content Creator of the Year: “Shroud”
• Best Art Direction: Control  – Remedy Entertainment
• Best Action Game: Devil May Cry 5 – Capcom
• Games for Impact: Gris – Nomada Studios

Magic: The Gathering Theros Beyond Death might be about a card game; Prologue is a game with a trailer that’s a prologue of a trailer. I guess PlayerUnknown wants you to stand in a forest for a few hours; and finally, Fortnite was still more interesting. If you are a fan of the latter battle royale, it is having a massive Star Wars weekend to celebrate the release of the new film taking place this month. In short, free content and an ambitious event is taking place in Fortnite this weekend.

Speaking of horrific monsters that will haunt you in your sleep, Sons of the Forest is unsettling. Creepy in all the right ways, and creepy in all the wrong ways as well. I hope it doesn’t turn into a jump scare-athon.

Moving to the subject of one of the many League of Legends games that are set to release soon, Ruined King is a turn-based RPG in the League universe. Coming from the Battle Chasers and Darksiders Genesis developers, Airship Syndicate, it has some good pedigree behind it for the turn-based world.

Ok, this one I know has some swearing in it, but it is worth it. My excitement for Cyberpunk 2077 may have been piqued here when Run the Jewels showed up as the first artists on the “behind the music of Cyberpunk 2077” trailer. A group I love is coming to another dystopian hell, and they are bringing their music? Count me in! There are also others, but they aren’t really needed. Mike and El-P have this one.

The next reveal was also the worst trailer that I’ve seen in a long while. D&D Dark Alliance didn’t need to be stylized in such a horrible way.

Speaking of horrible, Apex Legends is having a “Holo-day” bash event with a lengthy set up in the show. I’ll leave that there, with the event trailer. Enjoy.

If it wasn’t an Apple Arcade exclusive this Tron-like version of hockey would be fun with friends. Ultimate Rivals might have a strange art-style, but I know I don’t like sports and that’s piqued my interest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP9-fkUTc7Y

Let’s talk awards once again, with Nintendo a shoo-in for one of these, and Codemasters being robbed: 

• Best Family Game: Luigi’s Mansion 3 – Next Level Games
• Racing/sports game: Crash Team Racing Nitro-Fueled – Beenox
• Best Mobile: Call of Duty: Mobile – TiMi Studios
• Multiplayer Game: Apex Legends – Respawn Entertainment

The game that is pushed more than a wrestler that’s quite big, Ori and the Will of the Wisps has been pushed back again. Not by much this time, only a month, and that’s a March 11th that we hope it can hit this time.

Next up is the best bit of the entire night, and it wasn’t even a real game. It might come as some kind of DLC, and I’m sure many will be happy about that, but Untitled Beaker Game sadly wasn’t true.

Speaking of the strange and wonderful, Devolver Digital is publishing an action RPG set in the wild west, the weird wild west; in fact. Weird West, comes from the co-creators of Dishonored and Prey as part of their new studio, Wolfeye.

Another Magic thing I can’t wrap my head around, Magic: Legends is an MMORPG based on the characters of Magic the Gathering.

The Oculus game, Path of the Warrior, came and went like a quiet fart in an empty elevator. You don’t even get to enjoy it because it didn’t do anything to catch you by surprise.

Then it was time to sit and watch Sekiro‘s least interesting cousin try to balance a plate on its nose, smash the plate on its foot, and die silently to blood loss as everyone stood around tutting. Yes, Ghost of Tsushima had an extended trailer that got me as interested in playing it as I am in walking naked to Antarctica. It just looks a bit dull in comparison.

The Gears Tactics gameplay reveal had the same reaction one gets when they drop a plate in a restaurant, that is to say, “waaaayea!” followed by laughter and mild applause. Basic XCOM gameplay with people who have armor the size of small tanks. It is releasing April 28th, 2020.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oziTQgMdXi4

Oddly enough the Edo period/ninja game I was enticed by came from Naraka: Bladepoint. A platforming and action game that looks like it might have some Souls-lite combat, but generally looks to be more about platforming. Some lovely work I can’t wait to see in 2020.

Nine to Five, what a way to make a living. Barely getting by, it’s all talking and no giving. No my words, the words of the prophet Dolly Parton. They are also some of the words on the lips of Redhill games, developers of Nine To Five, the new tactical FPS that’s like all the other tactical FPS games and out of my frame of reference.

The MMORPG, Black Desert Mobile is now available worldwide; The great lands of Skyrim is coming to The Elder Scrolls Online; and of all the musicians to come to Beat Saber, Green Day are bringing six of their songs to the VR staple.

Let’s jump back to the awards for the penultimate collection.

• Best Ongoing Game: Fortnite – Epic Games
• Best Esport Game: League of Legends – Riot Games
• Best VR Game: Beat Saber – Beat Games
• Best Performance – Mads Mikkelsen – Death Stranding

I don’t understand MMORPGs, so I’ll simply say, Amazon wants to get in on them because I assume someone is buying them all. However, they have picked the world’s worst name to remember and invest in: New World.

Along with the MMOs, the League of Legends games didn’t relent either. Convergence League of Legends is yet another trailer without much of anything to show for itself.

Surgeon Simulator 2 was announced out of the blue, however, and I now want that in every way. Coming in 2020 to the Epic Games Store.

The penultimate game reveal was another announcement that came out of the blue, but more so for its recent history. The Wolf Among Us 2, the sequel to the popular Telltale series is coming back with the now resurrected Telltale games.

The last of those awards then the top of our list announced by Reggie Fils-Aimé:

• Fresh Indie game: Disco Elysium – ZA/UM
• Best Indie Game: Disco Elysium – ZA/UM
• Best Game Direction: Death Stranding – Kojima Productions
• Finally, Game of the Year: Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice – FromSoftware

Now, what in the living hell that is our existence could I have possibly spoken about when Codemasters announced their acquisition of the Project Cars developers? A mobile game, no. How about a Fast & Furious game no one asked for, no one needed, and looks about as ugly as sin itself? Yes. Fast & Furious Crossroads is coming to PC, PS4, and Xbox One in May of 2020.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKfTkNMYq90

I think they blew their load when they showed off the SEXBOX so early.

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