EA and Konami have been battling it out over who can make the best kicking a ball with your feet simulator. They have done so for almost two decades, with more recent games leaning towards the predatory gambling-side for online elements of the games. They are the masters of kicking balls in a game that is called Football, or if you are wrong, “Soccer.” I’ve previously said that PES 2019 was indeed an improvement since I last played, though I don’t like the sport overall.

A game of overpaid prima donnas that care more about their appearance, a broken nail, being touched, or any of that? I’d rather watch a real athlete, hence why I was engrossed in this year’s Women’s World Cup. I sat, watched, and cheered on the US women’s team through it all, mostly because Scotland was bumped out in the early group stages. For the first time ever, I was enjoying a game about kicking something that wasn’t about a Japanese man with a brick for a face.

This brings us nicely to Super Arcade Soccer, a game I have been meaning to review since February. I wasn’t expecting much from this indie attempt at a more arcade-like feeling sports game, though I know I’d enjoyed a previous indie game doing the same thing. There is a proven history of enjoying games of the sports ball variety, then why don’t I love Super Arcade Soccer? It is just lacking everything that makes a game such as this enjoyable.

To explain I have to tell you what arcade gameplay is. It is often the style that is expected to follow the rules of the game’s world, without feeling too realistic. Doom is a good example, the player character doesn’t move like a human, the demons don’t act how we expect, and the guns are possibly the most realistically portrayed thing in the entire game. Arcade gameplay is often characterized as light, floaty, and generally fun. Super Arcade Soccer is neither light, floaty, or fun.

First would be the ball, something that feels like you’ve stolen the concrete balls on those fenced off mansions you’ll find players of this game inhabiting. There’s little bounce, little life, and no play in the game once this ball of dark matter is touched. No, I don’t expect those fly-away balls made of thin plastic, filled with helium, in a strong wind and during a freekick, it would be like a Monty Python sketch. Though I do expect it to, at a minimum, feel like an entity in the world.

Players aren’t much fun themselves. I’m surprised they don’t all have grey hair and walking sticks for how quickly they run out of stamina. They do 180° themselves quicker than Ashley Cole (or another relevant cheater) when they are caught. This does follow the floatiness rule, but without movement being as nimble there’s no use for it. You can’t capitalize on your turn if your the walk up the park is just that, a walk.

Those that review PES and FIFA games each year always speak about just how “sophisticated the passing system” is with every new release. That is something those of us who nosh at the pretentious indie table at the end of each year, think is someone trying to be pretentious like the rest of us; much like taking special developers that made a monochromatic and vaguely emotional game ’round the back of the dance hall. However, for the first time, I’m in agreement that the passing system in PES was the most sophisticated thing in football since Wayne Rooney learned to shave.

Passing, kicking, feeling, shooting, and all the other things you do with balls are useless. If you want to pass to the closest player you might as well be shooting for Maude Flanders in the back row, maybe then you’d get who you’re aiming the pass to. Switching player, as you are expected to do when chasing the rival team down, is temperamental and when it is not it is from a rugby game. If you are behind the ball chasing down a player and are lucky, the game might pick another player behind the ball. Sure, there might be someone in front, but they are busy thinking about the complexity of some white paper.

The next major issue has to be the three camera options, two of which are fine. You, of course, get your standard camera from away up in the stands which you’ll find on your episode for footing balls. You have a zoom camera, roughly the same but follows the players a little closer. The third and worst option is top-down. A decision that mimics a style used in Sensible Soccer, or Football Manager and other “Dad games.” However, the reason they work in those latter games would be that fact you are not controlling the players.

In the top-down viewpoint, you can’t distinguish players as you can’t see their team colors. Given the player-models are taken from the Nintendo Wii’s Mii system, several players have a big blonde afro. Now I don’t know about you, but when you can hardly see the white, red, blue, green, or luminescent purple of a player’s lovely top, I don’t think it is advisable to cover that up with a big stupid mound of hair. If Rooney has shaved, you might see a slight bit of color behind his massive head, and the big circle around him.

In conclusion, was there anything good to derive from it? Yes. The fact that if you want to know how not to make such a game, buy it. I’m not kidding, you could probably mod in guns, shoot the other players, and you would get nothing but a warning. The AI is dreadful, and the character animation is a mix of Wallace and Gromit with half the episode missing and the sex scenes from Ride to Hell. I would rather have sat opposite a football player for several months on the way to Mars.

A PC review copy of Super Arcade Soccer was provided by Ruben Alcaniz for this review.

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Super Arcade Soccer

$4.99 USD

3

Score

3.0/10

Pros

• If you want to learn how to make a soccer game, buy it.

Cons

• A lack of options.
• Dull gameplay.
• Doesn't follow the rules of the game.