One of these days, the Epic Games store is going to be the death of me. It is the last thing in my week, and that’s for a good reason. Otherwise, I’d be writing about some piece of bat smegma that’s dressed up as news, such as a teenage almost killed by idiots online. Given that it is the last piece in the week, I have limited time for it, and thus one free game to play an hour or so of is A-OK. Two? I look at with the same contempt as I have for every living human that says, “Have a nice day!”

We’ll get back to that in a minute, as this week’s Epic Games Store freebie is the indie darling, Fez. Now I know two things about that word. Firstly, it is a piece of headwear you can have at two events. Secondly, it is that platformer that I just didn’t like all that much three years ago. Sadly, I’m neither at a Doctor Who convention or a Madness concert, so I’m stuck trying to figure out why I didn’t enjoy Fez before. Honestly? I don’t know why.

Fez is cute, charming, and competently made. However, it’s just a bit dull. That’s not a reason to dislike it, just a reason not to care too much for it either way. One of the worst things to be is forgettable, and that’s what Fez has been for so long. I’ve previously called it, “That game I just didn’t like,” with an upward inflection to see if anyone else knew what I was talking about. After about an hour and a half, I get why people enjoy it, though I just don’t.

That’s not to say, “Don’t pick this up, it is a bad game!” It’s not. If you want a nice, short, arty platformer with a semi-interesting mechanic, then Fez is for you. If you want a platformer that you’ll swear at several hundred times or a portal into Margaret Thatcher’s Britain, wait until next week. Yes, this is where I return to my metaphor about contempt for those happy Americans that don’t know when to leave someone alone.

Next week you will be able to pick up both 2018’s beautiful indie darling platformer Celeste, and Playdead’s desaturated 2016 child-murdering sim, Inside. Not to be confused with Playdead’s previously monochromatic kid killing platformer, Limbo. Fez is available for free download on the Epic Games store now, and this offer will stop at 10:59 AM (Eastern Time) on the 29th. Celeste and Inside will become available August 29th and will be free to claim until September 5th.

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