In last week’s Epic Games store giveaway, we saw the indie double bill of Moonlight, a charming rogue-like/lite, and RPG; and we saw This War of Mine, an allegory for living in communist Russia. Once again I’m staring down a double-barrel with a deadline tighter than the Spanx your mum wears; because the fashion industry is as forgiving as I am in a four-way between a man named Ben, a spoon, a man called Jerry, and I. You see, that’s what gets me the big bucks ’round here. I can make a joke about the dread writers face on deadlines, how bad the fashion industry is on women, gay sex joke, yet subvert it all for a fat joke about myself.

Now I’ve spoken about how almighty I am, let’s get to the point. Alan Wake is a “psychological action thriller,” which is to say someone at Remedy loves Stephen King. Another writer who is known for being all-powerful with his writing. You see, there are only two novels King has written since being a teacher, the horrific nightmare monster that haunts a writer, and that again. I even liked one of them, then again I enjoy the idea of being trapped in a time loop trying to save the president, but having to live out several years.

It is just a shame Remedy thought it needed 6 years to read everything King wrote; then develop that into a game. It only took Michaelangelo four years to paint a room, Palm island took six-years to make (but that’s an island), Hoover Dam was built in five, the Eiffel Tower was built in 2, and it took Tim Berners-Lee (and Robert Cailliau) 2 years to go from concept to the reality of the “WorldWideWeb.” I’m not saying a game is easy to make, but all these “games for the next generation” are built up for several years to fall flat.

Alan Wake is to horror what Animal Crossing is to a lesson that crime doesn’t pay. Much like Animal Crossing, the only thing that pays is you. I don’t understand this constant need to throw a loud shouting thing in my face that’s slightly creepy, that’s what children are for. While Alan Wake does enjoy the jumpy type of horror for YouTubers to yell at, I like the horror of the something behind you licking the back of your neck like a Xenomorph in Alien: Isolation. However, it is a shame Remedy didn’t think so.

To go back to the King thing, like I am a man named Alan Wake, the first bit of dialogue is “Stephen King once wrote…” and the fecal matter slides downhill from there. The narration is long, drawn-out, and poorly acted, so much so it made me think “Why isn’t this just a book,” then I remember who’d sue. The next thought was level design and how nothing was designed for a game, just placed for convenience.

However, it is a double bill, not a review. So the second game we have today is Ubisoft’s Foreigner, so-called because it is a collection of foreigners stabbing each other in a field in Wales. To keep this short, For Honor is a game of rock, paper, scissors with the combat system of Nioh. It is a game that lacks the subtlety of a Dark Souls or reaches the depths of my love handles. That’s the second fat joke about myself and tries this up nicely.

Now usually we’d talk about what is next and when Alan Wake and For Honor expire. However, because Epic has decided to move the free games to Friday instead of Thursday I’m left without that knowledge. We do know thanks to this tweet that you’ll want to pick either of these two up by 10:59 AM (EDT) on the 9th (next Friday), but that’s it.

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